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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Interview Tips

Performing well in interviews is one of the most important aspects of a successful job search. Here are some helpful hints for making a solid first impression on a prospective employer:

  • Don't sell yourself short by being too embarrassed to list all your best assets—if you've got a nice cock, you've got a nice cock.
  • When answering interview questions, allude frequently to "secret identity," "important work done outside the office," and "boy sidekick."
  • Wink knowingly throughout the interview.
  • The only way to make a résumé better? Make it bigger! Have it printed on oversize oak tag board.
  • Impress upon the interviewer that you are an aggressive, ambitious self-starter by knocking him unconscious.
  • Arrive at interview bedecked with diamonds and emeralds from head to toe.
  • No matter how "important" the interviewer makes him/herself out to be, refuse to talk to that person, saying you want the "head honcho" only.
  • Before putting on interview suit, douse self liberally with Polo cologne, then drink remaining contents of bottle.
  • Upon sitting down for interview, tell the person, "Go ahead, shut the door, I won't scream rape."
  • Ask the interviewer: "Confidentially, who is your greatest enemy within the company?" Then kill that person to prove your loyalty.
  • Bring radio remote control to interview, and offer to employer—explain that they can use it to control your every deed.