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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

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Interview Tips

Performing well in interviews is one of the most important aspects of a successful job search. Here are some helpful hints for making a solid first impression on a prospective employer:

  • Don't sell yourself short by being too embarrassed to list all your best assets—if you've got a nice cock, you've got a nice cock.
  • When answering interview questions, allude frequently to "secret identity," "important work done outside the office," and "boy sidekick."
  • Wink knowingly throughout the interview.
  • The only way to make a résumé better? Make it bigger! Have it printed on oversize oak tag board.
  • Impress upon the interviewer that you are an aggressive, ambitious self-starter by knocking him unconscious.
  • Arrive at interview bedecked with diamonds and emeralds from head to toe.
  • No matter how "important" the interviewer makes him/herself out to be, refuse to talk to that person, saying you want the "head honcho" only.
  • Before putting on interview suit, douse self liberally with Polo cologne, then drink remaining contents of bottle.
  • Upon sitting down for interview, tell the person, "Go ahead, shut the door, I won't scream rape."
  • Ask the interviewer: "Confidentially, who is your greatest enemy within the company?" Then kill that person to prove your loyalty.
  • Bring radio remote control to interview, and offer to employer—explain that they can use it to control your every deed.

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