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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Interview Tips

Performing well in interviews is one of the most important aspects of a successful job search. Here are some helpful hints for making a solid first impression on a prospective employer:

  • Don't sell yourself short by being too embarrassed to list all your best assets—if you've got a nice cock, you've got a nice cock.
  • When answering interview questions, allude frequently to "secret identity," "important work done outside the office," and "boy sidekick."
  • Wink knowingly throughout the interview.
  • The only way to make a résumé better? Make it bigger! Have it printed on oversize oak tag board.
  • Impress upon the interviewer that you are an aggressive, ambitious self-starter by knocking him unconscious.
  • Arrive at interview bedecked with diamonds and emeralds from head to toe.
  • No matter how "important" the interviewer makes him/herself out to be, refuse to talk to that person, saying you want the "head honcho" only.
  • Before putting on interview suit, douse self liberally with Polo cologne, then drink remaining contents of bottle.
  • Upon sitting down for interview, tell the person, "Go ahead, shut the door, I won't scream rape."
  • Ask the interviewer: "Confidentially, who is your greatest enemy within the company?" Then kill that person to prove your loyalty.
  • Bring radio remote control to interview, and offer to employer—explain that they can use it to control your every deed.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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