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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Interview Tips

Performing well in interviews is one of the most important aspects of a successful job search. Here are some helpful hints for making a solid first impression on a prospective employer:

  • Don't sell yourself short by being too embarrassed to list all your best assets—if you've got a nice cock, you've got a nice cock.
  • When answering interview questions, allude frequently to "secret identity," "important work done outside the office," and "boy sidekick."
  • Wink knowingly throughout the interview.
  • The only way to make a résumé better? Make it bigger! Have it printed on oversize oak tag board.
  • Impress upon the interviewer that you are an aggressive, ambitious self-starter by knocking him unconscious.
  • Arrive at interview bedecked with diamonds and emeralds from head to toe.
  • No matter how "important" the interviewer makes him/herself out to be, refuse to talk to that person, saying you want the "head honcho" only.
  • Before putting on interview suit, douse self liberally with Polo cologne, then drink remaining contents of bottle.
  • Upon sitting down for interview, tell the person, "Go ahead, shut the door, I won't scream rape."
  • Ask the interviewer: "Confidentially, who is your greatest enemy within the company?" Then kill that person to prove your loyalty.
  • Bring radio remote control to interview, and offer to employer—explain that they can use it to control your every deed.

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