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Intramural Rugby Game Taking Up Field For Last 2 Fucking Hours

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Intramural Rugby Game Taking Up Field For Last 2 Fucking Hours

PITTSBURGH—Voicing stunned disbelief that the game has somehow lasted this long, exasperated sources at the University of Pittsburgh campus confirmed Tuesday that an intramural rugby match has been occupying Charles L. Cost Field for the last two fucking hours. “How the hell is this thing still going on? They’ve been going back and forth out there since noon,” said 20-year-old onlooker Harrison Brier, who speculated that there must be some smaller version of the sport these assholes could play without hogging the entire field. “Oh, great, they’re switching sides again. How many fucking quarters or whatever can rugby possibly have? Jesus Christ.” At press time, several guys with a soccer ball were reportedly trotting onto the field while saying some shit about having it reserved.

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