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Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed

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Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning

CHICAGO—Calmly brushing off the accident that would have normally left him incensed, local man Alex Perkins, 36, told reporters Tuesday that, all things considered, the fresh coffee stain on his shirt is not as big a deal this morning.
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Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed

BOSTON—Boston University freshman Zack Klein explained the ins and outs of his meal plan Monday, telling friends that he went with the “9-Plus Plan” because it makes the most sense based on his eating habits and class schedule, sources confirmed. “With the 9-Plus, I only get nine dining hall meals per week, but I get 800 dining points per semester, which is good because I’ll probably eat lunch at the GSU most days anyway, and you can use dining points at Late Nite [Café],” Klein told his friends, one of whom, sophomore Emily Reiss, said that last year she opted for the 250 Plan, didn’t realize that meant she only received 125 meals per semester, and then had to write a letter to dining services in order to get it changed. “The cool thing is that the dining points carry over from the fall semester. So if I don’t use all of them, I get even more points during the spring. I think next year, though, I might move off campus and cook more, so I might not even get a meal plan at all. Or maybe I’ll just do Convenience Points.” Klein and Reiss reportedly just assumed that their other friend, Seth Kemmis, probably got the Unlimited.

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