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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed

BOSTON—Boston University freshman Zack Klein explained the ins and outs of his meal plan Monday, telling friends that he went with the “9-Plus Plan” because it makes the most sense based on his eating habits and class schedule, sources confirmed. “With the 9-Plus, I only get nine dining hall meals per week, but I get 800 dining points per semester, which is good because I’ll probably eat lunch at the GSU most days anyway, and you can use dining points at Late Nite [Café],” Klein told his friends, one of whom, sophomore Emily Reiss, said that last year she opted for the 250 Plan, didn’t realize that meant she only received 125 meals per semester, and then had to write a letter to dining services in order to get it changed. “The cool thing is that the dining points carry over from the fall semester. So if I don’t use all of them, I get even more points during the spring. I think next year, though, I might move off campus and cook more, so I might not even get a meal plan at all. Or maybe I’ll just do Convenience Points.” Klein and Reiss reportedly just assumed that their other friend, Seth Kemmis, probably got the Unlimited.

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