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Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed

BOSTON—Boston University freshman Zack Klein explained the ins and outs of his meal plan Monday, telling friends that he went with the “9-Plus Plan” because it makes the most sense based on his eating habits and class schedule, sources confirmed. “With the 9-Plus, I only get nine dining hall meals per week, but I get 800 dining points per semester, which is good because I’ll probably eat lunch at the GSU most days anyway, and you can use dining points at Late Nite [Café],” Klein told his friends, one of whom, sophomore Emily Reiss, said that last year she opted for the 250 Plan, didn’t realize that meant she only received 125 meals per semester, and then had to write a letter to dining services in order to get it changed. “The cool thing is that the dining points carry over from the fall semester. So if I don’t use all of them, I get even more points during the spring. I think next year, though, I might move off campus and cook more, so I might not even get a meal plan at all. Or maybe I’ll just do Convenience Points.” Klein and Reiss reportedly just assumed that their other friend, Seth Kemmis, probably got the Unlimited.

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