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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed

BOSTON—Boston University freshman Zack Klein explained the ins and outs of his meal plan Monday, telling friends that he went with the “9-Plus Plan” because it makes the most sense based on his eating habits and class schedule, sources confirmed. “With the 9-Plus, I only get nine dining hall meals per week, but I get 800 dining points per semester, which is good because I’ll probably eat lunch at the GSU most days anyway, and you can use dining points at Late Nite [Café],” Klein told his friends, one of whom, sophomore Emily Reiss, said that last year she opted for the 250 Plan, didn’t realize that meant she only received 125 meals per semester, and then had to write a letter to dining services in order to get it changed. “The cool thing is that the dining points carry over from the fall semester. So if I don’t use all of them, I get even more points during the spring. I think next year, though, I might move off campus and cook more, so I might not even get a meal plan at all. Or maybe I’ll just do Convenience Points.” Klein and Reiss reportedly just assumed that their other friend, Seth Kemmis, probably got the Unlimited.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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