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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Introducing The Onion News Network's 'Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle!'

Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle! is a fast-paced news and current affairs program devoted to bringing you the latest need-to-know information about awesome motorcycles. With the recent announcement that the new American Dream will be to own a tricked out motorcycle, there has never been a more vital need for motorcycle-based news programming. Anchored by four-time Easyriders magazine cover girl Ashlee Desiree, Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle! will feature interviews with today's foremost motorcycle experts, tips for attaining a better motorcycle, and a solid hour of footage of sweet motorcycles either being ridden or turning on pedestals. Shredding guitar riffs and women chanting "Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle!" will also feature prominently in Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Watching is your best way to achieve your perfect bike.

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