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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Introducing The Onion News Network's 'Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle!'

Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle! is a fast-paced news and current affairs program devoted to bringing you the latest need-to-know information about awesome motorcycles. With the recent announcement that the new American Dream will be to own a tricked out motorcycle, there has never been a more vital need for motorcycle-based news programming. Anchored by four-time Easyriders magazine cover girl Ashlee Desiree, Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle! will feature interviews with today's foremost motorcycle experts, tips for attaining a better motorcycle, and a solid hour of footage of sweet motorcycles either being ridden or turning on pedestals. Shredding guitar riffs and women chanting "Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle!" will also feature prominently in Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Watching is your best way to achieve your perfect bike.

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