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Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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Inventor Of Gromdar Determined To Put A Gromdar In Every American Home

Gromdar inventor Jeffrey Shanes says he hopes Americans will soon be unable to envision their lives without a Gromdar.
Gromdar inventor Jeffrey Shanes says he hopes Americans will soon be unable to envision their lives without a Gromdar.

SAN JOSE, CA—Laying out his vision for the company’s future at a shareholder meeting yesterday, Gromdar, Inc. cofounder and Gromdar inventor Jeffrey Shanes said that he is determined to put a Gromdar in every home in the nation, sources reported.

Stating that the Gromdar brand name “is synonymous with innovation, quality, and high performance,” Shanes told investors that, beginning with its forthcoming line of personal Gromdars sold at licensed Gromdar retailers across the country, the company aims to change the American way of life “Gromdar by Gromdar.”

“Our goal is not only to put a Gromdar in each home, but in each room of each home,” said Shanes, noting that ever since he built the first laboratory-sized Gromdar as a graduate student, he’s envisioned a world in which every citizen has access to a private, portable Gromdar. “Gromdar technology has been around for years, but until now, we haven’t been able to bring Gromdars to the consumer market. Now we have a chance to make Gromdars such an integral part of daily life, people will think, ‘Can you remember a time without Gromdars?’”

“We want people to say, ‘I bought a Gromdar for my wife, I bought a Gromdar for my mom, heck, I even bought Gromdars for my kids!’” he continued. “We want people without Gromdars to envy people with Gromdars. This time next year, you’re not going to want to be seen in public without a Gromdar of your own.”

According to the company’s website, Gromdar, Inc. originally manufactured Gromdars exclusively for military use, winning a lucrative contract with the U.S. Department of Defense to supply powerful Gromdars for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. With profits from the government contract, the corporation reportedly invested millions of dollars in research and development to adapt Gromdars for the commercial sector, and soon began selling thousands of Gromdars to businesses across the country.

Shanes explained to shareholders that advances in technology have allowed Gromdars to be manufactured more efficiently and inexpensively than ever before, bringing down the cost and size of the device as well as reducing the numerous safety hazards of Gromdar ownership.

Responding to concerns about the marketability of home Gromdars, the tech entrepreneur acknowledged that most new products face resistance from the consuming public when they are first introduced. However, Shanes expressed his confidence that using a Gromdar—or Gromming—would quickly come to be regarded as a fundamental and indispensable part of everyday life.

“Some people might say, ‘What do I need a personal Gromdar for? I’m never going to use it,’” Shanes said after one investor compared the Gromdar to the Blordash. “That’s the same thing people once said about microwaves, but now we can’t live without them. Mark my words, the people who are most skeptical of owning a Gromdar are going to be the ones who won’t be able to put their Gromdars down, whether they’re at home, in their office, or traveling.”

As part of the company’s efforts to bring Gromdars to the public, Shanes said that Gromdar, Inc. is embarking on an ambitious marketing initiative including television spots, prominent social media campaigns on Facebook and Twitter, a sponsorship deal with actor and musician Jared Leto, and product placement in popular movies and video games.

Shanes also noted that thousands of billboards and public transit advertisements were currently being installed in cities throughout the country featuring a picture of a Gromdar against a white background and the brief tagline, “Your Life, Your Gromdar.”

By the end of the next financial quarter, Shanes said, his goal is to see consumers lined up around the block to get their hands on the latest Gromdar.

“The Gromdar is a truly innovative product that will revolutionize the way we work, socialize, learn, entertain ourselves, cook, and even exercise,” Shanes said while gesturing to a shiny teal Gromdar on a table alongside him. “By 2016, we want to see Gromdars plugged into every kitchen, on every car dashboard, and bolted into every desk in every school in America. We believe today’s generation will be the Gromdar generation.”

“The question isn’t whether you can afford to buy a Gromdar; the question is whether you can afford not to,” he added.

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