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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Investigation Exposes eBay User For Selling Fake Pulitzer Medals

Shoddy Imitation Prizes A Total Rip-Off

NEW YORK—Intrepid Onion journalists saw their hard work pay off this week after an investigative report months in the making exposed fraudulent Milwaukee eBay seller Jake Noonan for unloading shoddy imitation Pulitzer Prize medals on unsuspecting, well-intentioned customers of the popular online auction site. "Bringing down this prolific charlatan, who has been duping good Americans out of their hard-earned money—it feels good," said a source from The Onion editorial board, which assigned reporters to set up eBay accounts and purchase more than $1,500 worth of the "bullshit" awards Noonan had advertised with photos of real Pulitzer medals pulled from the Internet. "After anxiously receiving the merchandise, we knew we had to inform the police and the Pulitzer Board and expose this creep. I mean, have you seen these pieces of crap? They wouldn't fool anybody." The source added that he felt a certain degree of pride in protecting consumers who were hoping maybe to put the medals up in their offices or in glass cases they had purchased specially for the fake awards.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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