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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Investigation Exposes eBay User For Selling Fake Pulitzer Medals

Shoddy Imitation Prizes A Total Rip-Off

NEW YORK—Intrepid Onion journalists saw their hard work pay off this week after an investigative report months in the making exposed fraudulent Milwaukee eBay seller Jake Noonan for unloading shoddy imitation Pulitzer Prize medals on unsuspecting, well-intentioned customers of the popular online auction site. "Bringing down this prolific charlatan, who has been duping good Americans out of their hard-earned money—it feels good," said a source from The Onion editorial board, which assigned reporters to set up eBay accounts and purchase more than $1,500 worth of the "bullshit" awards Noonan had advertised with photos of real Pulitzer medals pulled from the Internet. "After anxiously receiving the merchandise, we knew we had to inform the police and the Pulitzer Board and expose this creep. I mean, have you seen these pieces of crap? They wouldn't fool anybody." The source added that he felt a certain degree of pride in protecting consumers who were hoping maybe to put the medals up in their offices or in glass cases they had purchased specially for the fake awards.

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