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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Investigation Exposes eBay User For Selling Fake Pulitzer Medals

Shoddy Imitation Prizes A Total Rip-Off

NEW YORK—Intrepid Onion journalists saw their hard work pay off this week after an investigative report months in the making exposed fraudulent Milwaukee eBay seller Jake Noonan for unloading shoddy imitation Pulitzer Prize medals on unsuspecting, well-intentioned customers of the popular online auction site. "Bringing down this prolific charlatan, who has been duping good Americans out of their hard-earned money—it feels good," said a source from The Onion editorial board, which assigned reporters to set up eBay accounts and purchase more than $1,500 worth of the "bullshit" awards Noonan had advertised with photos of real Pulitzer medals pulled from the Internet. "After anxiously receiving the merchandise, we knew we had to inform the police and the Pulitzer Board and expose this creep. I mean, have you seen these pieces of crap? They wouldn't fool anybody." The source added that he felt a certain degree of pride in protecting consumers who were hoping maybe to put the medals up in their offices or in glass cases they had purchased specially for the fake awards.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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