Investigation Finds Man Wrongfully Imprisoned For 3 Of 76 Murders

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Productivity

Investigation Finds Man Wrongfully Imprisoned For 3 Of 76 Murders

POTOSI, MO—Almost two decades after Michael Hollings was put on death row for the murders of 76 men, women, and children across Missouri, evidence uncovered by an exclusive Onion investigation has exonerated him of three of the brutal slayings, restoring his dignity when he thought all had been lost.

“I’m so happy to finally have my good name back,” Hollings told reporters Wednesday from his cell at Potosi Correctional Center. “I always told people I could never, ever kill more than 73 people, but when you’re locked in a cage all day, ain’t no one going to hear you out.”

“I wish Mama could have seen this,” added a tearful Hollings, in reference to his mother and fourth victim, Barbara Watts-Hollings. “She’d be real proud of her boy today.”

Frustrated by the incompetence of his public defender but determined to prove he was innocent of a negligible percentage of the horrific crimes for which he received a death sentence, Hollings wrote to reporters from this newspaper last year, confident they would work tirelessly to see justice done.

The Onion’s painstaking investigation, conducted by more than 50 dedicated journalists, revealed that prosecutors suppressed key evidence supporting Hollings’ claim that on the same night he supposedly killed three 7-year-old girls at a slumber party in Blue Springs, he was in fact tearing out the organs of a jogger in the Columbia area.

In addition, a DNA test released to reporters by an anonymous law enforcement source demonstrated conclusively that the semen taken from the three girls did not match the semen deposited by Hollings in the mouths, rectums, and eye sockets of his other victims.

“It’s hard when everyone thinks you did something terrible that you know you didn’t do,” said Hollings, adding that it made him sick to think of preying upon anyone under the age of 10. “But I’m glad at least you reporter guys believed in me when no one else would. Now I can walk around with my head held higher than it’s been in a long time.”

“A lot higher,” added Hollings, cracking a smile.