Investigation Finds Man Wrongfully Imprisoned For 3 Of 76 Murders

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Investigation Finds Man Wrongfully Imprisoned For 3 Of 76 Murders

POTOSI, MO—Almost two decades after Michael Hollings was put on death row for the murders of 76 men, women, and children across Missouri, evidence uncovered by an exclusive Onion investigation has exonerated him of three of the brutal slayings, restoring his dignity when he thought all had been lost.

“I’m so happy to finally have my good name back,” Hollings told reporters Wednesday from his cell at Potosi Correctional Center. “I always told people I could never, ever kill more than 73 people, but when you’re locked in a cage all day, ain’t no one going to hear you out.”

“I wish Mama could have seen this,” added a tearful Hollings, in reference to his mother and fourth victim, Barbara Watts-Hollings. “She’d be real proud of her boy today.”

Frustrated by the incompetence of his public defender but determined to prove he was innocent of a negligible percentage of the horrific crimes for which he received a death sentence, Hollings wrote to reporters from this newspaper last year, confident they would work tirelessly to see justice done.

The Onion’s painstaking investigation, conducted by more than 50 dedicated journalists, revealed that prosecutors suppressed key evidence supporting Hollings’ claim that on the same night he supposedly killed three 7-year-old girls at a slumber party in Blue Springs, he was in fact tearing out the organs of a jogger in the Columbia area.

In addition, a DNA test released to reporters by an anonymous law enforcement source demonstrated conclusively that the semen taken from the three girls did not match the semen deposited by Hollings in the mouths, rectums, and eye sockets of his other victims.

“It’s hard when everyone thinks you did something terrible that you know you didn’t do,” said Hollings, adding that it made him sick to think of preying upon anyone under the age of 10. “But I’m glad at least you reporter guys believed in me when no one else would. Now I can walk around with my head held higher than it’s been in a long time.”

“A lot higher,” added Hollings, cracking a smile.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close