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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Investigation Of What Fell Off Nightstand Postponed Until Morning

FORT DODGE, IA—Moments after the thud of an unidentified object hitting the floor interrupted him as he was about to drift off to sleep Tuesday, local man Michael Reeves, 32, reportedly decided to postpone the investigation of what fell off his nightstand until the next morning, sources confirmed. “Unh, I’ll deal with it tomorrow,” Reeves reportedly told himself, noting that the unknown item had neither shattered nor made the sound of splashing liquid that would normally prompt him to inspect his bedside area. “It was probably just my wallet or a book. And even if it was my phone, it’s no big deal. It’ll still be there when I wake up.” Following 15 futile minutes of attempting to fall asleep, Reeves reportedly jumped out of bed in frustration, turned on his lamp, and was on his hands and knees probing the ground beside and behind the nightstand.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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