adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Investigation Of What Fell Off Nightstand Postponed Until Morning

FORT DODGE, IA—Moments after the thud of an unidentified object hitting the floor interrupted him as he was about to drift off to sleep Tuesday, local man Michael Reeves, 32, reportedly decided to postpone the investigation of what fell off his nightstand until the next morning, sources confirmed. “Unh, I’ll deal with it tomorrow,” Reeves reportedly told himself, noting that the unknown item had neither shattered nor made the sound of splashing liquid that would normally prompt him to inspect his bedside area. “It was probably just my wallet or a book. And even if it was my phone, it’s no big deal. It’ll still be there when I wake up.” Following 15 futile minutes of attempting to fall asleep, Reeves reportedly jumped out of bed in frustration, turned on his lamp, and was on his hands and knees probing the ground beside and behind the nightstand.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close