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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Investigators: Increasingly Likely That James Harrison Bit Own Son

FRANKLIN PARK, PA—Police detectives investigating an alleged dog-bite injury to James Harrison III, the son of Pittsburgh Steeler James Harrison, said that recent evidence suggests the linebacker became agitated by the toddler's crying last Wednesday and bit the child himself. "After carefully piecing together testimony from people at the scene, we believe witnesses were trying to protect Mr. Harrison, who after all is a creature of instinct and may not be responsible for his actions," Officer Mark Bendiger told reporters. "If that turns out to be the case, the legal liability will actually rest with Harrison's handlers. Linebackers can be an aggressive breed, and we've seen plenty of examples of how poorly trained and badly socialized James is in particular." James III is almost completely recovered and has been released from Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh, while his father has been quarantined at Animal, Linebacker, and Wide Receiver Control of McKees Rocks, PA.

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