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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Investors Stake Out Greenspan's House For Signs Of Rate Increase

WASHINGTON, DC—Investors have been staking out Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan's home in an effort to gather any clues that Greenspan will institute an increase in the interest rate, neighborhood sources reported Tuesday. "Right now, Mr. Greenspan is applying a second coat of Turtle Wax to his Lexus," mutual-fund investor Ted Iger said, as he squatted behind an oak tree. "Maybe he plans to sell the car before raising lending rates." Iger said a major household purchase would corroborate theories he has about the microwave box Greenspan's wife carried to the curb Sunday.

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