IOC Clears Pros To Wrestle In 2000 Olympics:

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Pepsi Super Bowl Ad Raises Worldwide Pepsi-Awareness .00000000001 Percent

SOMERS, NY—A 60-second, $2.6 million ad that aired during Sunday’s Super Bowl telecast has raised awareness of Pepsi .00000000001 percent, Pepsi officials said Monday. Specifically, the ad raised Pepsi-awareness in Xiao Bu—a 71-year-old Pyongyang, China, peasant and one of five known humans not familiar with Pepsi—who learned of the existence of the soft drink while watching the Super Bowl. “This $2.6 million was money well spent. With it, Pepsi has finally surpassed 99.9999999999 percent global saturation and cracked the hard-to-reach Xiao Bu market,” Pepsico’s Ken Doyle said. “We now look forward to introducing Pepsi to Mala N’dougou of Gabon and babies who were born in comas.” In response to the Pepsi ad, chief rival Coca-Cola announced Tuesday it will launch its own $11 million ad blitz targeting Xiao.

1994 Video-Store Receipt Reveals Clinton Rented Night Eyes 2, 3

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is strongly denying special prosecutor Kenneth Starr’s claim that he has a receipt proving that on July 11, 1994, Clinton rented Night Eyes 2 and Night Eyes 3, two mature-audiences-only erotic thrillers starring former Playboy Playmate Of The Year Shannon Tweed. According to Starr, the receipt, unearthed during a year-long Justice Department probe of D.C.-area video stores, “clearly proves that the president not only rented these two films, but, even more damning, did so on the same night. That is over three hours of steamy adult fare enjoyed in one single viewing by the president.” In the wake of the findings, Starr is ordering the store where the films were rented to hand over all receipt records dating back to 1992 to discern whether Clinton may have also rented Night Eyes, the first installment in the series, starring Tanya Roberts. Starr also ordered the Justice Department to hand over recently surfaced White House cable-tap recordings that are purported to contain over 40 hours of Spice Channel pay-per-view. Tweed has refused to comment on the crisis.

Oh, Area Man’s Aching Back

JERSEY CITY, NJ—According to a report issued Wednesday by 51-year-old Jersey City resident Phil Lardner, Jesus Christ Almighty, his back feels like a goddamn elephant stepped on it. Fuck, the report stated, Lardner should never have tried to move that dishwasher by himself. The report went on to note that Lardner may require medical attention if he can ever make it to the freaking phone, and that if he doesn’t collect some workman’s comp for this one, forget about it.

A New Year, A New Jean

This is soooo exciting—my first column of 1998! Actually, I'm kind of dreading 1998, because it's the year I finally turn the big 4-0! Can you believe it? (I sure can't!)
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IOC Clears Pros To Wrestle In 2000 Olympics:

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—International Olympic Committee president Juan Antonio Samaranch announced Monday that, for the first time ever, professionals will be permitted to compete in wrestling in the 2000 Summer Games in Sydney, Australia.

IOC president Juan Antonio Samaranch

"The time has come for the best wrestlers to come together and compete against one another on the world stage," Samaranch said. "This is the true Olympic spirit."

The U.S. Olympic wrestling team, which was badly beaten by Russia and the Ukraine in the '92 and '96 Games, is expected to be the biggest beneficiary of the rule change. Already, a number of high-profile U.S. pros have filed requests with the USOC to compete in Sydney, including Vader, Disco Inferno, Golddust and The Undertaker.

WWF star Jerry "The King" Lawler, who plans to compete in Sydney in the Greco-Roman 286-pound class, is eager to face reigning Olympic champion Aleksandr Karelin of Russia, who took the gold medal in Atlanta in 1996.

"Mr. Karelin, I have heard you talk long and loud about your strength, your stamina and your many so-called pins," said a visibly angry Lawler, his face still damp with perspiration following a match against Stone Cold Steve Austin. "But when you get in my ring, you are dealing with the King. Get ready to come face-to-face with real wrestling, Mr. Karelin. Real, professional, American wrestling. It's going to be lights-out for you, pal, in Sydney." Lawler added that, upon victory, he will shave Karelin bald.

Former Undertaker manager Paul Bearer, now managing Kane, told reporters: "This is a very exciting development for the Federaaaaaa-tion, and I know that not only Kane, but all wrestlers who qualify for the Games, will be honored to represent the U.S. in Syyyyyyd-ney."

Added Bearer: "Ohhhhhhhhhh, yeeeeeesssssss!"

Despite the excitement among U.S. pros, many observers are critical of the IOC decision, contending that it will result in unfair, severely lopsided victories for Team USA, similar to those of the basketball "Dream Team" in the last two Summer Olympics.

"It is unlikely that any foreign wrestler, professional or amateur, will be able to match the top-rope, turnbuckle-smashing, pile-driving force of the WWF's army of pain," said sports columnist Mitch Albom of The Detroit Free Press. "We're talking Cactus Jack, Dude Love, The Headbangers and the Legion of Doom. No other nation on earth, with the possible exception of Saudi Arabia, which has the Iron Sheik and Farrooq, can match that."

IOC officials have still not announced whether supernaturally powered wrestler The Undertaker will be permitted to use his Tombstone Piledriver finishing move in international competition.

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