adBlockCheck

Politics

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.
End Of Section
  • More News

Iowa Residents Mystified After Strange Sign Bearing Word ‘Kasich’ Appears On Roadside Overnight

Many local residents have refused to go near the sign, fearing what the strange markings on it might mean.
Many local residents have refused to go near the sign, fearing what the strange markings on it might mean.

MARION, IA—Gathering around the strange object and speculating about its possible significance, scores of Iowa residents were reportedly left mystified Wednesday morning after a single sign bearing the cryptic word “Kasich” inexplicably appeared on the side of the road overnight.

Neighborhood sources said they had never before seen anything like the 12-by-18-inch rectangle of blue and white plastic, which had materialized on the front lawn of 38 Victoria Street sometime during the late night or early morning hours. No one had reportedly witnessed the manner in which the sign had appeared, prompting questions about its origins, purpose, and the meaning behind the incomprehensible string of letters and symbols on its surface.

“It’s so weird—I can’t even begin to guess what this thing is for,” said 34-year-old Marion resident Theresa Russo, who ventured out to see the sign along with several dozen of her neighbors after word of its mysterious appearance spread quickly throughout the community. “No one knows how or why it ended up here, or what sort of message it’s meant to convey. I’ve stared at it for an hour now and I still don’t have the slightest idea what it could be.”

“It’s standing perfectly upright and facing right out toward the street, so there must be some reason for it, but what?” Russo continued. “What is this Kasich, and what does it want?”

“There’s only this one right now, but just think: What if even more start showing up? What if they start appearing all over the place? What if one shows up on my street or across from my house? Oh, God, what if it’s connected to something bigger?”

The sign was reportedly first discovered by local resident James Shelton, 51, who said that he “stopped dead in [his] tracks” when he came upon the bizarre object while walking his dog early Wednesday morning. According to the baffled Shelton, shortly after spotting the peculiar sign and failing to decipher the identical scrawlings on either side of it, he cautiously approached it with a long stick and prodded it several times to no effect.

Numerous witnesses said they attempted repeatedly to sound out “Kasich”—the largest group of markings on the object—but failed to arrive at an understanding of the unusual word or even reach a common conclusion about how the arcane collection of letters was supposed to be intoned.

“That thing kind of creeps me out,” said Marion High School English teacher Julia Blake, 46, echoing many other residents who said that just being around the strange object gave them a feeling of unease. “There’s only this one right now, but just think: What if even more start showing up? What if they start appearing all over the place? What if one shows up on my street or across from my house? Oh, God, what if it’s connected to something bigger?”

Despite widespread concern among community members, authorities called in to assess the situation have urged calm. Local law enforcement cited several similarly mysterious events in nearby cities and counties, noting that, for the most part, phenomena such as the perplexing sign tended to appear every so often, but rarely lasted more than a few months before disappearing again without a trace.

“Just a few weeks ago in Cedar Rapids, there were a number of reports of weird signs with the message ‘Jindal 2016’ appearing out of nowhere in the windows of houses,” said Marion County sheriff Jason Knight, who assured residents that the “Kasich” object was harmless and would not affect them or their behavior in any way. “This sort of thing just happens from time to time in these parts. Folks will eventually reconcile themselves to the fact that we may never really understand it. After all, people barely even mention that night four years back when the phrase ‘Cain 9-9-9’ flickered onto everyone’s TV screens out of nowhere.”

“Whatever the hell that meant,” Knight added.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close