Iowa Residents Mystified After Strange Sign Bearing Word ‘Kasich’ Appears On Roadside Overnight

Top Headlines

Election 2016

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Election 2016

More Election Coverage

Iowa Residents Mystified After Strange Sign Bearing Word ‘Kasich’ Appears On Roadside Overnight

Many local residents have refused to go near the sign, fearing what the strange markings on it might mean.
Many local residents have refused to go near the sign, fearing what the strange markings on it might mean.

MARION, IA—Gathering around the strange object and speculating about its possible significance, scores of Iowa residents were reportedly left mystified Wednesday morning after a single sign bearing the cryptic word “Kasich” inexplicably appeared on the side of the road overnight.

Neighborhood sources said they had never before seen anything like the 12-by-18-inch rectangle of blue and white plastic, which had materialized on the front lawn of 38 Victoria Street sometime during the late night or early morning hours. No one had reportedly witnessed the manner in which the sign had appeared, prompting questions about its origins, purpose, and the meaning behind the incomprehensible string of letters and symbols on its surface.

“It’s so weird—I can’t even begin to guess what this thing is for,” said 34-year-old Marion resident Theresa Russo, who ventured out to see the sign along with several dozen of her neighbors after word of its mysterious appearance spread quickly throughout the community. “No one knows how or why it ended up here, or what sort of message it’s meant to convey. I’ve stared at it for an hour now and I still don’t have the slightest idea what it could be.”

“It’s standing perfectly upright and facing right out toward the street, so there must be some reason for it, but what?” Russo continued. “What is this Kasich, and what does it want?”

“There’s only this one right now, but just think: What if even more start showing up? What if they start appearing all over the place? What if one shows up on my street or across from my house? Oh, God, what if it’s connected to something bigger?”

The sign was reportedly first discovered by local resident James Shelton, 51, who said that he “stopped dead in [his] tracks” when he came upon the bizarre object while walking his dog early Wednesday morning. According to the baffled Shelton, shortly after spotting the peculiar sign and failing to decipher the identical scrawlings on either side of it, he cautiously approached it with a long stick and prodded it several times to no effect.

Numerous witnesses said they attempted repeatedly to sound out “Kasich”—the largest group of markings on the object—but failed to arrive at an understanding of the unusual word or even reach a common conclusion about how the arcane collection of letters was supposed to be intoned.

“That thing kind of creeps me out,” said Marion High School English teacher Julia Blake, 46, echoing many other residents who said that just being around the strange object gave them a feeling of unease. “There’s only this one right now, but just think: What if even more start showing up? What if they start appearing all over the place? What if one shows up on my street or across from my house? Oh, God, what if it’s connected to something bigger?”

Despite widespread concern among community members, authorities called in to assess the situation have urged calm. Local law enforcement cited several similarly mysterious events in nearby cities and counties, noting that, for the most part, phenomena such as the perplexing sign tended to appear every so often, but rarely lasted more than a few months before disappearing again without a trace.

“Just a few weeks ago in Cedar Rapids, there were a number of reports of weird signs with the message ‘Jindal 2016’ appearing out of nowhere in the windows of houses,” said Marion County sheriff Jason Knight, who assured residents that the “Kasich” object was harmless and would not affect them or their behavior in any way. “This sort of thing just happens from time to time in these parts. Folks will eventually reconcile themselves to the fact that we may never really understand it. After all, people barely even mention that night four years back when the phrase ‘Cain 9-9-9’ flickered onto everyone’s TV screens out of nowhere.”

“Whatever the hell that meant,” Knight added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close