Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Iowa Restaurant Patron Can Remember Every Breakfast Ruined By Presidential Candidates

MARSHALLTOWN, IA—Describing them as significant moments in her life that she would never forget, 67-year-old Iowa diner patron Jane Brandon told reporters Monday she can still remember every single breakfast she’s had ruined by a presidential candidate over the years. “I’ll always recall that first time back in 1968, when Richard Nixon sat down at my booth to tell me how he would help American families like mine while I was just trying to finish a plate of waffles,” said Brandon, adding that she’d had at least one breakfast at a local diner spoiled by presidential hopefuls every four years for the past 12 election cycles, including five separate meals ruined during the 1992 primary campaign alone. “I still think about the morning when Michael Dukakis and Dick Gephardt came in at the same time, and by the time they were done shaking my hand and talking about the struggles of the middle class, my eggs were cold and I was late for work. I didn’t even get a chance to touch my home fries. I’ll never forget how hungry I was.” Brandon added that her most cherished memory was from the 1996 primary season, when she was able to order her short stack to go and slip out of the restaurant before Steve Forbes could talk to her about his flat tax.

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