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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Iowa State Fair Guards Told To Shoot Non–Iowa Residents On Sight

DES MOINES, IA—Cautioning that non-residents should stay at least 500 feet away from the fairgrounds at all times to ensure their safety, Iowa state police announced Monday that they have ordered law enforcement officials at the upcoming Iowa State Fair in Des Moines to shoot all out-of-state visitors on sight. “We have positioned highly trained patrolmen and snipers throughout the entire fairground area and have given them specific instructions to eliminate all non-Iowans the second they can get a clean shot off,” police spokesman Sgt. Jonathan Davey said during a security briefing ahead of opening day festivities on Thursday, noting that while teams of long-range shooters have been trained to visually identify non-residents by their clothing, physique, and body language, officers on the ground have been told to check for state-issued IDs at the gates and shoot out-of-state visitors on the spot at point-blank range. “The state fair is for Iowans and for Iowans only. They’re the only ones who deserve to celebrate our rich history, salute our local growers, and look at our huge Butter Cow. The rest deserve to die.” Authorities added that they were confident the shoot-to-kill policy would be successful based on a similar police edict issued last year, when officers killed 200 mainstream folk musicians outside the state’s annual Indie Folk Music Festival.

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