Iowa State Fair Guards Told To Shoot Non–Iowa Residents On Sight

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Vol 49 Issue 32

Carl Tresvant

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

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The Obama family will leave Saturday for an 8-day vacation on the quiet, affluent island of Martha’s Vineyard, where they have visited three of the past four summers, and are expected to spend the week golfing, shopping, and relaxing.

Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

DENVER—Two years after performing his 2011 spinal fusion surgery, doctors announced this week that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has been officially cleared to return to the field and take part in football activities.
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Iowa State Fair Guards Told To Shoot Non–Iowa Residents On Sight

DES MOINES, IA—Cautioning that non-residents should stay at least 500 feet away from the fairgrounds at all times to ensure their safety, Iowa state police announced Monday that they have ordered law enforcement officials at the upcoming Iowa State Fair in Des Moines to shoot all out-of-state visitors on sight. “We have positioned highly trained patrolmen and snipers throughout the entire fairground area and have given them specific instructions to eliminate all non-Iowans the second they can get a clean shot off,” police spokesman Sgt. Jonathan Davey said during a security briefing ahead of opening day festivities on Thursday, noting that while teams of long-range shooters have been trained to visually identify non-residents by their clothing, physique, and body language, officers on the ground have been told to check for state-issued IDs at the gates and shoot out-of-state visitors on the spot at point-blank range. “The state fair is for Iowans and for Iowans only. They’re the only ones who deserve to celebrate our rich history, salute our local growers, and look at our huge Butter Cow. The rest deserve to die.” Authorities added that they were confident the shoot-to-kill policy would be successful based on a similar police edict issued last year, when officers killed 200 mainstream folk musicians outside the state’s annual Indie Folk Music Festival.

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