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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Iowa State Fair Guards Told To Shoot Non–Iowa Residents On Sight

DES MOINES, IA—Cautioning that non-residents should stay at least 500 feet away from the fairgrounds at all times to ensure their safety, Iowa state police announced Monday that they have ordered law enforcement officials at the upcoming Iowa State Fair in Des Moines to shoot all out-of-state visitors on sight. “We have positioned highly trained patrolmen and snipers throughout the entire fairground area and have given them specific instructions to eliminate all non-Iowans the second they can get a clean shot off,” police spokesman Sgt. Jonathan Davey said during a security briefing ahead of opening day festivities on Thursday, noting that while teams of long-range shooters have been trained to visually identify non-residents by their clothing, physique, and body language, officers on the ground have been told to check for state-issued IDs at the gates and shoot out-of-state visitors on the spot at point-blank range. “The state fair is for Iowans and for Iowans only. They’re the only ones who deserve to celebrate our rich history, salute our local growers, and look at our huge Butter Cow. The rest deserve to die.” Authorities added that they were confident the shoot-to-kill policy would be successful based on a similar police edict issued last year, when officers killed 200 mainstream folk musicians outside the state’s annual Indie Folk Music Festival.

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