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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Ira Glass Tries To Explain 'This American Life' At High School Reunion

BALTIMORE—According to sources at Milford Mill High School's 30-year reunion, alumnus Ira Glass spent most of Saturday's event laboring to explain his public radio program, This American Life, to former classmates. "I'm still not completely sure, but I think he has some sort of call-in show," said Glass' sophomore biology lab partner Shannon Fortin, who reported that Glass just sighed when asked if he could say Fortin's name on the air during his next broadcast. "Sounds like he almost caught a break with some TV show, but I guess they canceled it. Poor guy." After Glass left the reunion early, a number of sympathetic attendees took up a collection for their old acquaintance, as Glass had mentioned that he relied almost entirely on donations.

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