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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Iran Promises To End Nuclear Program In Exchange For Detailed Diagram Of Atomic Bomb

TEHRAN—In an unprecedented display of international cooperation from the Middle Eastern nation, Iran reportedly pledged to end the country’s burgeoning nuclear weapons program in exchange for detailed schematics for the construction of an atomic bomb. “In the spirit of compromise, the nation of Iran promises that, should a Western nation supply us with blueprints for the design and assembly of a fission bomb, we will immediately put a stop to our nuclear initiative,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, calling the terms of this proposed agreement “fair, equitable, and well within reason.” “Of course, we’ll also need detonators and a launching mechanism, as well as the expert guidance of the world’s top physicists and engineers. But once we have that, our nuclear weapons program will be a thing of the past. You have my word on that.” At press time, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry had persuaded Ahmadinejad to accept a “more reasonable” offer of $50 million in nuclear research funding and 200 kilograms of weapons-grade plutonium.

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