adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Iran Promises To End Nuclear Program In Exchange For Detailed Diagram Of Atomic Bomb

TEHRAN—In an unprecedented display of international cooperation from the Middle Eastern nation, Iran reportedly pledged to end the country’s burgeoning nuclear weapons program in exchange for detailed schematics for the construction of an atomic bomb. “In the spirit of compromise, the nation of Iran promises that, should a Western nation supply us with blueprints for the design and assembly of a fission bomb, we will immediately put a stop to our nuclear initiative,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, calling the terms of this proposed agreement “fair, equitable, and well within reason.” “Of course, we’ll also need detonators and a launching mechanism, as well as the expert guidance of the world’s top physicists and engineers. But once we have that, our nuclear weapons program will be a thing of the past. You have my word on that.” At press time, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry had persuaded Ahmadinejad to accept a “more reasonable” offer of $50 million in nuclear research funding and 200 kilograms of weapons-grade plutonium.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close