adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
End Of Section
  • More News

Iran Promises To End Nuclear Program In Exchange For Detailed Diagram Of Atomic Bomb

TEHRAN—In an unprecedented display of international cooperation from the Middle Eastern nation, Iran reportedly pledged to end the country’s burgeoning nuclear weapons program in exchange for detailed schematics for the construction of an atomic bomb. “In the spirit of compromise, the nation of Iran promises that, should a Western nation supply us with blueprints for the design and assembly of a fission bomb, we will immediately put a stop to our nuclear initiative,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, calling the terms of this proposed agreement “fair, equitable, and well within reason.” “Of course, we’ll also need detonators and a launching mechanism, as well as the expert guidance of the world’s top physicists and engineers. But once we have that, our nuclear weapons program will be a thing of the past. You have my word on that.” At press time, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry had persuaded Ahmadinejad to accept a “more reasonable” offer of $50 million in nuclear research funding and 200 kilograms of weapons-grade plutonium.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close