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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Iran Promises To End Nuclear Program In Exchange For Detailed Diagram Of Atomic Bomb

TEHRAN—In an unprecedented display of international cooperation from the Middle Eastern nation, Iran reportedly pledged to end the country’s burgeoning nuclear weapons program in exchange for detailed schematics for the construction of an atomic bomb. “In the spirit of compromise, the nation of Iran promises that, should a Western nation supply us with blueprints for the design and assembly of a fission bomb, we will immediately put a stop to our nuclear initiative,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, calling the terms of this proposed agreement “fair, equitable, and well within reason.” “Of course, we’ll also need detonators and a launching mechanism, as well as the expert guidance of the world’s top physicists and engineers. But once we have that, our nuclear weapons program will be a thing of the past. You have my word on that.” At press time, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry had persuaded Ahmadinejad to accept a “more reasonable” offer of $50 million in nuclear research funding and 200 kilograms of weapons-grade plutonium.

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