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Iran Ready To Talk About How Awesome Nuclear Program Is

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Iran Ready To Talk About How Awesome Nuclear Program Is

TEHRAN—As international tension builds over Iran's decision to continue refining and enriching uranium, Foreign Ministry spokesman Hamid Reza Asefi announced Monday that the nation was "willing to enter open bilateral talks" to discuss how absolutely great it is that the country will soon have a functioning nuclear program. "Iran wishes to bring the world's diplomats to the table so that we may jump up on it and shout about how truly glorious it is to have this incredible power," Asefi wrote in a open letter inviting more than 100 heads to nuclear-proliferation-celebration talks in Tehran this September. Asefi acknowledged that Iran now has a responsibility to "come clean about how much we love our new nukes," and said he looked forward to comparing armaments with other countries, especially Israel.

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