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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Iraq Beheading Videos Enter Summer Reruns

FALLUJAH, IRAQ—After a much-watched, record-setting season, Iraqi TV's popular series of beheading videos entered summer reruns this week as the cast and producers focus on stockpiling weapons and identifying targets. "Naturally viewers are impatient for new episodes, but beheading videos don't script and tape themselves," said actor-producer-insurgent Haitham Al-Badhri, who has used his much-needed hiatus to scout new locations in Fallujah, Basrah, and even the suburbs of Baghdad. "I promise we'll have lots of excitement for all of our fans come September, including a few special surprise 'guests' you won't want to miss." Though beheading-video viewers claim the reruns lack suspense, reports indicate that summer ratings remain high.

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