Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy

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Vol 39 Issue 06

New Prisoner Recognized From 'Scared Straight' Visit

RAHWAY, NJ—New Rahway State Penitentiary inmate Andrew Traber, 19, was recognized Monday by longtime inmate Ronald Wayne Desmond, who met Traber in 1998 in the prison's "Scared Straight" program. "I couldn't believe it: There he was, little Andrew, all grown up," said Desmond, 38, who is serving two consecutive life sentences for murder. "So I yelled, 'Hey, Andrew, it's me—the guy who told you when you were 14 what it's like to be brutally gang-raped in the prison laundry with a shiv held to your throat.' He kind of nodded hi, but I got the feeling he didn't remember me."

No One At Ad Agency Remembers Hiring Carrot Top For Commercial

NEW YORK—Despite their best efforts, creative executives at the Young & Rubicam advertising agency cannot recall how Carrot Top came to be hired for the "1-800-CALL-ATT" collect-call campaign. "I really, truly don't remember ever casting that guy," Young & Rubicam creative director Molly Herbert said of the hideous, clown-faced comedian. "To be honest, all anyone here can remember is firing David Arquette two years ago, then suddenly there's Carrot Top on the set." Herbert and her team were equally at a loss over who developed the "Just Dial Down The Middle" concept.

Paintball Team Visits Vietnam Memorial

WASHINGTON, DC—The five members of the Blitz Cougars paintball team of Ashburn, GA, paid their respects to their fallen compatriots at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial on Monday. "None of us served in Vietnam, but we too have witnessed firsthand the unspeakable horrors of combat," said Derek "Boone" Bechet, 23, the Cougars' team leader. "Last August, I lost one of my men when a round of Draxxus Inferno sapphire blue caught him right in the temple. Chris was only 19 when he got taken out of the game for good." Fighting back tears, Bechet bowed his head in silent prayer for his splattered comrade.

Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever

ROCHESTER, MN—Bacon, long believed to contribute to heart disease and obesity, possesses significant health benefits, according to a study released Monday by Dr. Albert Gruber, the best scientist ever. "My research has found that three strips of crispy, mouthwatering bacon every morning can actually reduce cholesterol and help slow the aging process," the awesome Gruber said. "What's more, the bacon's positive effects are enhanced when combined with milk shakes and/or marijuana." In 1997, Gruber, a Mayo Clinic cardiologist, was awarded nine Nobel Prizes in Medicine for discovering that frequent oral sex with models cures cancer.

Well, I Think Michael Jackson Looks Nice

I don't understand why some people have to build themselves up by tearing other people down. Everywhere I go these days, I hear people making nasty comments about Michael Jackson's appearance. Well, I think Michael Jackson looks very nice.

The Ben And J. Lo Show

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are America's hottest celebrity couple. How do they spend a typical day?
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy

COON HOLLOW, KY—In a rivalry that shows no signs of abating, Iraq and Kentucky remain locked in a bitter struggle for world shooting-into-the-air supremacy.

Iraq's Saddam Hussein and Kentucky's Travis Lee Butler hone their cloud-shooting skills.

"I'll be damned if any Muslim's gonna beat the great state of Kentucky at what she do best," said Coon Hollow resident Billy Joe Dupree, 39, in between bouts of firing his shotgun skyward Monday. "We been shootin' into the air for all kinds 'a reasons since they was a Kentucky, and that's a fact. Why, even my wall-eyed cousin Mavis could outshoot one o' them Muslims, and she ain't hardly finished the fifth grade."

Aziz Hourani, 24, of Baghdad, took exception to Dupree's claims of air-shooting superiority.

"Such is our anger at the Great Satan that we send many bullets into the air every day," said Hourani, raising his AK-47 carbine and firing several rounds. "No one can surpass us at shooting upwards—and certainly not the Americans."

Though worlds apart geographically and culturally, Iraq and Kentucky each boast rich traditions of vertical marksmanship.

"Expressing one's feelings and emotions via the firing of guns into the air is an ancient and noble artform," said Henri St. Germain, president of the Federation Internationale des Discharges-Aeriales (FIDA), the sport's governing body. "In fact, it may even predate the practice of expressing one's feelings and emotions by shooting into other humans. And nowhere on Earth does this tradition continue to thrive more than in Iraq and Kentucky. It is a vital part of these two unique cultures."

Continued St. Germain: "Whether shooting to celebrate a successful moonshine heist from neighboring kinfolk or the downfall of an imperialist Western regime, Kentucky and Iraq bring an undeniable passion and pride to their craft."

According to FIDA officials, in head-to-head competition, Iraq and Kentucky are closely matched.

"From a technical standpoint, the two competitors are virtually dead-even, with different but equally strong styles," veteran FIDA judge Olivier Resnais said. "The Iraqis' preference for automatic military weapons give them the edge in rounds-fired-into-the-air-per-minute, whereas the Kentucky double-barreled shotgun or squirrel rifle has a much greater bore, allowing for a louder, more full-bodied sound and a much greater weight of vertically propelled lead per shot."

"In terms of vocal style, they are again different yet similar, with the gun wielders of each region doing their best to drown out their weapon's report through fervent yelling of their native calls," Resnais continued. "Though they may have different meanings, the cries of 'Yeeeee-haw!' and 'Allahu akbar!' are, in spirit, not actually all that different."

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