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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Iraq War No Longer Interesting Enough To Make List Of Year’s Top Stories

Some soldiers stand around barely making news.
Some soldiers stand around barely making news.

CAMP FALLUJAH, IRAQ—Once widely acknowledged as the most crucial and compelling news story in the world, the U.S. military occupation of Iraq was, for the first time in the conflict's five-year history, deemed too uninteresting to be considered among 2007's most important news events.

According to polls, the war, which claimed American and Iraqi lives at a record rate throughout the past year, had simply grown too repetitive to warrant more than a passing recognition. For 57 consecutive months, viewers across the country were subjected to monotonous and tedious roadside bombings, predictable charges of corruption and negligence against private contractors, and a chaotic, hard-to-understand political situation that never seemed to change.

"Is that still going on?" 46-year-old Dayton, OH resident Jim Svaboda asked about the war, which many were told would be ending as early as May 2003. "Absolutely nothing new has happened over there in months. Even the soldiers are tired of it."

In September, a massive march against the war drew hundreds of thousands of protesters to the nation's capital, but failed to capture the attention of most major news outlets. And despite the insistence of a number of observers and political analysts that the war in Iraq was actually getting better, viewers continued to turn away by the millions.

"The average consumer can only read so many articles about 18-month redeployments that keep soldiers away from their families for years, or the lack of decent body armor, before they just tune out completely," said Kris Duncan, professor of media studies at Brandeis University. "That kind of thing might have seemed fresh two years ago, but people today want something unexpected. Frankly, if I have to watch one more clip of amputee footage from Iraq, I'm going to be sick."

Political blogger Janet Friedberg, of HotUpdateNow.com, agreed.

"The Iraq war is so over," Friedberg said. "Even if it goes on for another 10 years."

Some Washington-based supporters of the war said they were confident they could regain public interest in 2008 by pumping hundreds of billions of dollars into the conflict.

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