adBlockCheck

International

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

'Iraqi Gandhi' Preaches Slightly Less Violence

BAGHDAD—In schools and coffeehouses, parlors and public squares, Iraqis are discussing and debating the revolutionary teachings of activist Iyad al-Naqib, who is being hailed by some as the "Iraqi Mahatma Gandhi" for his commitment to practicing "a bit less severe" forms of violence against infidels and crusaders.

Known for sayings such as "An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind, so extract a pinky for an eye," al-Naqib, 46, is both praised and vilified throughout the Muslim world for his radical, slightly less violent teachings.

Al-Naqib asks Allah to end just a little of the violence in his country.

Al-Naqib's followers are instructed to bomb discos on weeknights, when they are less crowded, and to equip suicide bombers with hand grenades rather than multiple sticks of TNT.

Such views earned al-Naqib this year's Mideast Peace Prize, an award administered by the Yemeni government and presented to individuals credited with encouraging what its literature characterizes as "anything remotely close to a rough approximation of peace in the region."

"In a time when East and West seem to be hurtling toward mutual ruin, it is refreshing to hear a somewhat reasonable voice of semi-moderation from within the chaos," said Basra-based scholar Ahmed Sha'lan, who was jailed for publishing pamphlets by al-Naqib. "His followers are fighting a revolution through non-all-out violence."

A former lawyer, al-Naqib developed his less-violence views after spending several years working for the Iraqi Embassy in Istanbul, where, during a fire-bombing, he was able to resolve an ongoing conflict with an American ambassador through a fistfight. The semiviolent means—which left his victim with severe brain hemorrhaging and forced him to return to the U.S. for medical care—awakened al-Naqib to the potential of somewhat-less-extreme violent resistance.

"Violence is not the solution," al-Naqib wrote in his breakthrough 1998 treatise Practicing Semiviolence. "It is only approximately 19/20ths of the solution. We should not work toward the total annihilation of all who oppose us—just some of them. And perhaps it is best we practice occasional mercy for the innocent, such as the young, who can easily recuperate."

In a 2003 interview with British newspaper The Guardian, al-Naqib said that the "decadent immorality of Western civilization must be almost, but not quite, wiped off the face of the earth."

"Al-Naqib truly is a great, influential teacher," Sha'lan said. "His doctrine of 'slightly less violence' and 'passive involvement in the violence of others' has resonated throughout the Muslim world and is well on its way to becoming a full-fledged mass movement."

The site of an al-Naqib car bombing, which took place a good distance from a crowded shopping center.

Sha'lan added: "As babu says, 'I denounce those who kill vast numbers, for the death of a few—the death of even one, if that one is well-chosen—spreads my message far and wide."

As with many political dissidents who dare to speak out, al-Naqib has paid for his beliefs. He was imprisoned for two days for criticizing the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, saying that it would have sufficed to bring down just one of the towers.

"You should be the change that you want to see in the world," al-Naqib said. "I am prepared to die for my life of slightly less violence, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill thousands of people when it will suffice to simply blow their legs off."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close