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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Iraqi Homeowner To Wait A While Before Re-Shingling Roof

BAGHDAD—Homeowner Aftab Shamoun, 34, announced Monday that he will likely wait "just a little while" before moving ahead with plans to re-shingle the roof of his Baghdad home. "Now may not be the best time to put on those nice new ceramic shingles," said Shamoun, whose roof was damaged in a wind storm last November. "Heck, I've been putting it off for so long, a few more months won't hurt." Despite putting the shingling project on the back burner, Shamoun said he plans to spend next weekend insulating his front windows with energy-efficient plywood boards.

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