Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Iraqi Leaders Call For Moment Of Violence During Ramadan

BAGHDAD—A coalition of sectarian leaders from the approximately 185 separate political and insurgent groups vying for dominance in Iraq called for a nationwide moment of violence, to be held shortly before noon Friday in the remaining days of Ramadan.

Leaders from some of Iraq's many warring factions called for a unified moment of violence to mark the blessed month of Ramadan.

"All of us fighting for control of this land, whether Baathists, Sunni militants, al-Qaeda sympathizers, al-Sadrites, or just plain street criminals, have one thing in common," read a statement released Monday by the ad-hoc group. "We all share a deep abiding commitment to the indiscriminate use of murder, mayhem, and massacre as a means of achieving our various ends."

"Therefore," the statement continued, "this Ramadan, we shall take time to see past the things that separate us, and celebrate, together, a moment of horrifying brutality for the citizens of Iraq."

According to Monday's statement, leaders deemed Ramadan—the holiest month of the Muslim calendar, in which fasting, prayer, acts of charity, and most importantly, rigorous self-examination and purification are required of the devout—"the perfect time to put others first, whether in the path of an SA-7 anti-aircraft rocket or the blast radius of an improvised explosive device." 

Though attendance is voluntary, organizers have strongly encouraged all Iraqi Muslims to participate. Several marketplaces and mosques throughout the country have announced extended hours on Friday, Eid al-Fitr, the Festival Of Fast-Breaking, in anticipation of the activity the moment of violence will bring.

Organizers, such as Sheikh Yusef al-Karim, leader of the small Islamist faction Righteous Blade Of Allah, hope that the moment of violence will allow Iraqis an opportunity for meditative and reflective stabbing, beating, or shooting of their brethren.

<p>"We must set aside a special, holy time to visit death and destruction on our neighbors." <br> <b>Rebel Leader Muqtada al Sadr</b></p>

"In this time of great chaos, rare is the chance for individuals to look deep into their hearts and ask themselves the truly important questions about who they want to kill," said al-Karim, whose group has claimed responsibility for the beheadings of 10 foreign workers in the last six months. "This is when we all should put aside worldly concerns, and remember that what is truly important: harming others."

Militant Iraqis confessing a weariness with relentless violence also hoped the moment of violence would renew their commitment to violence.

"I took the time to really do some good killing in Basra last year, and it definitely helped me rejuvenate and refocus," said one Shi'ite assassin, who wished to remain nameless due to several ongoing  manhunts led by coalition forces. "But really, with proper concentration, anyone can achieve that same oneness and serenity in the time it takes to tie a person to a radiator in a foul-smelling, windowless room and torture him."

Rival Sunni separatist Omar Muhammed Bakr agreed.

"In this month of fasting and prayer, we should ponder the mutual rage, hatred, and bloodlust we all share," Bakr said. "This Ramadan, let us all take the time for a moment of quiet conflagration, a moment to turn to your neighbor, look him in his infidel eyes, and send him to hell in a burst of gunfire."

In response to the announcement, Secretary Of Defense Donald Rumsfeld pledged a deployment of an additional 3,500 U.S. troops to join in the special ceremonial hostilities, as a show of solidarity with the Iraqi cause.

"When the moment comes, we will be there  right beside the Iraqis with rockets, armored convoys, and possibly even a new air campaign to commemorate this historic event," Rumsfeld said. "This is about all of us."

Organizers did voice private concerns, however, that outside insurgents could disrupt the sanctity of their unified national moment by launching rocket attacks, staging executions, or setting off car bombs throughout the country.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.