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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Iraqi POW Wins Nobel Prize for Screaming

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—In a formal ceremony yesterday, Ahmat Al-Fassan, an Iraqi soldier held prisoner and brutally tortured by Iranian captors for more than seven years, was awarded the 1996 Nobel Prize for Screaming.

Ahmat Al-Fassan

Presenting Al-Fassan with the solid-gold medallion traditionally awarded Nobel winners, Swe-den's King Carl Gustaf XVI praised the former prisoner of war for "excellence unparalleled in the field of shrieking at the top of one's lungs in response to unheard-of levels of agonizing, brain-boiling pain."
Al-Fassan, kept in a 3x3-foot locked box for the bulk of his captivity, thanked the Nobel Committee for the prestigious award: "Please. No. No more. No."

Al-Fassan's most noteworthy achievement came during a 1992 testicular crushing session involving a red-hot vise and 200 pounds of bricks, when a scream he let out was heard by an Iranian goat-herder more than 35 miles away.

"It was a very loud scream," said goat-herder Aziz Farouk.

"You can be proud of your accomplishments," Gustaf said. "Your volume stands unmatched."

Al-Fassan said he plans to spend the $900,000 prize on alcohol.

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