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Ironic Porn Purchase Leads To Unironic Ejaculation

WINNETKA, IL—A local man's ironic purchase of a humorously titled hardcore-porn video Saturday led to a sincere, earnest ejaculation devoid of any irony whatsoever.

The purchased videotape.

According to reports, Josh Farmer, 27, accompanied by friends Brad Werner and Mike Tedesco, entered the Pine Street Adult Bookstore at approximately 3 p.m. to purchase an inflatable-woman doll as a light-hearted gift for friend Marshall Bloch, whose 23rd birthday party was to be celebrated later that evening at Farmer's house. While at the store, Farmer also purchased Terrors From The Clit, which he would later use as ejaculatory fodder in a wholly unironic session of vigorous masturbation.

"Guys, check out this one," Farmer told Werner and Tedesco while browsing a row of videos. "Terrors From The Clit, starring Nikkie Love, Porsha and Intrusion! We should totally get this and make fun of it at the party. Wouldn't that be hilarious?"

Continued Farmer, closely studying the photos of naked women engaging in graphic sex acts on the back of the box: "Dude, it's supposed to be a horror movie, except instead of all the chicks getting killed by the zombies, they have sex. Is that the dumbest thing ever?"

After nearly 15 minutes of wisecrack-filled browsing, the men exited the store, having purchased a 'Lola Lungs' inflatable doll, a set of racy undergarments with which to festoon the doll, two packages of novelty glow-in-the-dark condoms and the ironic videotape.

Approximately 30 minutes before Bloch was due at the party, Farmer suggested to fellow partygoers that they have Terrors From The Clit playing when he arrived.

"I forget Josh's exact words, but he basically was saying how it would be a sublime paradigmatic shift between Marshall's expectations and empiric reality if he walked into the party and saw us watching porn, as if that's what we normally do," Tedesco said. "Hence, you know, the irony. Get it?"

Farmer's friends rejected his suggestion, telling him they would prefer to spend the remaining pre-party time preparing snacks. But Farmer did not give up, making several requests to view the tape during the actual party.

"He kept saying, 'Dudes, we have to remember to watch that stupid video,'" Tedesco said. "So we finally gave in and watched the thing."

Those present said Farmer watched Terrors "with great interest" from start to finish, deriving great ironic enjoyment from every scene.

"He kept laughing and pointing out stuff in the movie, like how horrible the acting and music was, and saying stuff like, 'Oh, I'm so sure that would really happen!'" Werner said. "We were all just totally cracking jokes and making fun of it. But no one more than Josh: He was making smart-ass comments non-stop."

Josh Farmer

At approximately 2 a.m., the party finally began to dissipate, and Bloch, gathering his gifts from the evening, reached for the Terrors videotape. According to witnesses, Farmer immediately stopped him, saying, "Wait, Marshall, you gotta let me borrow that. I have to show it to my brother when he's in town next week. He'll think it's so fucking hilarious."

Bloch agreed, and minutes after the last guest left his apartment, Farmer put the video back into his VCR and hit play. Unfastening the zipper on his pants, Farmer watched the video and began stroking his penis without humorous intent. He achieved orgasm some 12 minutes into the viewing, ejaculating into his cupped left hand in a manner that neither inverted nor subverted any thematic paradigms.

Despite Farmer's repeated insistence that his viewing of the tape was strictly ironic, most experts familiar with the case are unconvinced.

"It appears that Mr. Farmer, despite his derisive stance toward Terrors From The Clit while in the adult bookstore, ultimately enjoyed it in a wholly sincere and heartfelt manner," said Georgetown University sociology professor Dr. William Campos. "He was somehow able to derive genuine entertainment from a most unlikely and counterintuitive source—a video so distasteful and poorly executed that he purchased it specifically to mock it."

"For all his initial misgivings, Josh managed to overcome his ironic stance and simply enjoy the thrusting, grunting performances on their own merits," Campos said. "How he did it, we do not yet know. But I am definitely going to need to borrow this tape for research purposes. Perhaps through the exhaustive eye of scientific scrutiny, I believe we can get to the truth at the heart of this mystery."

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