Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush

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Vol 40 Issue 40

Green Bay Taxi Driver Has Seen Whole Heck Of A Lot

GREEN BAY, WI—David Horsted, 45, announced Monday that he's seen a whole heck of a lot during his 20 years driving a taxi. "Aw, geez, the people I've met and the places I've seen—the stories would make your head spin," Horsted said. "I've been from Lambeau Field to the Barhausen Waterfowl Preserve and every place in between. One time, one of the Packers even threw up in my cab, but I don't think I should say who." With a little prodding, Horsted said the person's first name rhymes with "baloney" and last name with "sandwich."

Ad Exec Doesn't Care What Proverb Actually Means

CHICAGO—Leo Burnett Agency creative executive Patrick Bergman authorized the use of a common proverb in a Subway ad campaign in spite of the fact that the phrase's true meaning undermines the intent of the ad, the 41-year-old reported Monday. "The ad slogan 'Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch?' was perfect for Subway's free-sandwich giveaway," Bergman said. "Who cares if, technically, the customer had to buy 12 sandwiches to get one free? People know the phrase, and they respond to it." Bergman last misused a proverb two weeks ago, when he put "haste makes waste" in an ad encouraging people to hurry to a 12-hour Macy's white sale.

91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving

TEMPE, AZ—Lillian Reselman celebrated her 91st birthday Monday by continuing to do what she's been doing for more than nine decades: outliving those closest to her. "This amazing lady has outlived not only two sisters, a brother, and a husband, but scores of friends—and even her only son, who died in the Vietnam War," Oak Hill nursing-home employee Tanya Stoles said. "Lily is a real survivor." Stoles credited Reselman's incredible longevity to her "great endurance."

Many Animals Harmed In Catering Of Film

LOS ANGELES—More than 50 animal-rights activists picketed outside the gates of 20th Century Fox studios Monday to protest the fact that hundreds of animals were harmed by craft services on the set of Mel Gibson's Night Of The Desert Rose. "Nearly 400 chickens, 14 steer, and thousands of shrimp were viciously killed in the making of this movie," protester and PETA member Jacqueline Zimmer said. "And these weren't dignified deaths. Some of these animals were deboned and had their skin ripped off before being fileted, sautéed, and placed atop a bed of so-so rice." Cinemeals, Inc. issued a statement that read in part, "Although we regret the need to kill animals, sometimes sacrifices must be made in the service of voraciousness."

Study: Good Porn Still Hard To Find

BOSTON—According to a report released by the Institute for Advanced Media Studies, good porn remains hard to find. "Though it's true that there is 350 percent more pornographic material on the market than there was five years ago, quality porn is as difficult to find as ever," Dr. Jeffrey Conchlin said. "Sometimes, you can find a DVD with hot chicks who seem to be enjoying themselves, but usually, they've got big fake tits, the sex is either boring or way too gross, and the setting is totally depressing. This trend is discouraging." Dr. Conchlin added that porn filmmakers are at least a decade away from seamlessly combining good storytelling with hot DP.

Debate Rules

As President Bush and U.S. Sen. John Kerry square of in the debates, they are following a set of detailed guidelines. What are some of the rules?

Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

Last week, a federal judge deemed a Patriot Act provision that allowed the FBI to secretly obtain Internet and telephone records unconstitutional. What do you think?

Any Way You Slice It, Joey Is A Hit!

Item! You never know what you'll get from a spin-off. For every Frasier, there are 10 Kramers. That said: How ya doin', Joey? Pretty good, from the look of the episodes I've seen. Drea DeMattingsly is a great comic actor—something you might not have predicted, given her role on The Sopranoes. The kid who plays her son is a natural, and Matt TheBlanc? He's going to be one of your "best Friends." The laughs are there, the hugs are there, and we get to see a more serious side of Joey. I predict a 10-year run for this show, and I'll be tuned in every Thursday to watch.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to motivate Americans to go to the polls on Nov. 2, a coalition of irrelevant pop stars is winding up a 36-city tour that will culminate in a concert on Oct. 11 in Washington, D.C.

Aging and irrelevant artists team up to help vote Bush out of office.

"The Vote For Change tour has been put together by a wide cross-section of artists with one purpose: to remove Bush from office," said Stone Gossard, whose band Pearl Jam enjoyed popularity during the grunge phase of the early to mid-'90s. "Not everyone here is pro-Kerry, but everyone here agrees that Bush has to go. Just rocking the vote isn't enough. You've gotta rock for change."

Pearl Jam will share the stage with such onetime chart-toppers as Jackson Browne, John Fogerty, and Crosby, Stills & Nash.

"I can't let this election take place without knowing I fought as hard as I could for a more compassionate leader," 51-year-old John Mellencamp said. "If playing my 1986 hit 'R.O.C.K. In The U.S.A.' at the Hancher Auditorium in Iowa City will dissuade people from voting for Bush, then I'm going to do it."

The Vote For Change bill contains a wide range of artists whose actual relationship with American politics remains unclear. Rock group R.E.M., blues artist Bonnie Raitt, and the country group Dixie Chicks will join R&B artists such as Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds, co-founder of LaFace Records, which released the Bodyguard soundtrack.

"I couldn't ignore all the bad that's going on," said Edmonds, who co-wrote Bobby Brown's 1992 single "Humpin' Around." "I had to do my part to stop all the... bad things."

Rounding out the bill are such lesser-known indie artists as 24-year-old singer-songwriter Conor Oberst (a.k.a. Bright Eyes), and Seattle-based rock band Death Cab For Cutie.

"Bush is fucking evil," said Nick Harmer, bassist for Death Cab For Cutie. "The economy is for shit, and we're stuck in this unjust war that he lied about to get us to agree to. Me and the other guys in the band wanted to do something real to get him out of office. We were like, 'We gotta do a concert.'"

David Corn, Washington, D.C. editor of The Nation, said he appreciated the musicians' efforts.

NOFX guitarist El Hefe.

"It's really great to get more young people involved in politics, and if Keb Mo singing 'This Land Is Your Land' helps, so be it," Corn said. "Of course, in addition to watching MTV to find out what Moby has to say about Bush, you could watch C-SPAN, or even visit the candidates' web sites. You're probably not going to learn a lot about the candidates' positions on Social Security reform by listening to Dave Matthews gas on while his bassist tunes up."

After being informed of the existence of the Vote For Change tour, Bush campaign manager Ken Mehlman called it "a cute idea."

"It's wonderful that these singers are getting involved," Mehlman said. "While I respectfully disagree with Tracy Chapman and Sheryl Crow's opinion of our president, I think it's great that they're doing something with their time."

Concert organizers said the show, with its extraordinary lineup of soft-rock artists, is getting a boost in ticket sales from an unexpected demographic. John Linner of Orlando, FL is one of the tens of thousands of registered Republicans planning to attend a Vote For Change concert.

"It's going to be kind of annoying, with all the liberal bullshit between sets, but I can't imagine missing this kind of line-up," Linner said. "R.E.M. is a little weird, except for that one song, 'Shiny Happy People.' But how many times do you get a chance to see a tour that has Springsteen and John Fogerty?"

Similar in spirit to Vote For Change, Rock Against Bush is a concert tour created by NOFX vocalist and bassist Fat Mike to mobilize voters against the president.

"We're psyched to have Strike Anywhere, Anti-Flag, and Bouncing Souls on board," Fat Mike said, naming acts a few people might recognize as punk bands. "We're especially hoping we pull in some audience members who are older than 17, so they can vote."

Rock Against Bush publicist Donna Wolff said campaign-related concerts are "an important way for musicians to express their political views."

"Contrary to what many people think, rock artists want to be involved," Wolff said. "While some of the musicians billed on our tour can't even name the U.S Secretary of Health and Human Services, or list more than two Bush policies they oppose, they all know the difference between right and wrong."

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