‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Irrepressible Bad Boy Slays Seven

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA–Watch out, ladies: Irrepressible bad boy Jordan Jeffries, that hard-partying Hollywood hunk who's on everybody's A-list, is at it again.

Jordan Jeffries flashes his killer smile.

Paroled Jan. 19 after spending six months in Los Angeles County Jail for cocaine and gun possession, the club-hopping cut-up and legendary lothario was once again in hot water Saturday after gunning down seven bystanders at the red-hot L.A. nightspot Skybar, dispatching his victims "mercilessly and at point-blank range," according to police reports.

Witnesses said the sexy and oh-so-single Jeffries–best known for his role as daredevil test pilot Johnny Spade in the blockbuster G-Force movies–committed the murders "for no apparent reason," mowing down his terrified prey "with cold-blooded precision, deaf to their desperate pleas for mercy." Ouch!

Jeffries, 29, who has been romantically linked to everyone from Charlize Theron to James King to Amanda Peet, has slayed plenty of women with his drop-dead-gorgeous looks. But with five males among his seven victims, this notorious ladykiller seems to be a mankiller, too.

"He has all the markings of a sociopathic psychotic, showing no remorse for this brutal mass slaying," said LAPD profiler Dr. Leila Briedel-White, who conducted a psychological examination of the homicidal heartthrob following his arrest. "What he did is beyond the capacity of a normal human being."

"That certainly sounds like the Jordan Jeffries millions of viewers loved to hate as the duplicitous ladies' man Gregg Grant on To Have And To Hold," said Soap Opera Digest editor Ellen Bright. "But unlike the character he played on THATH, Jordan isn't just breaking hearts–he's firing .38-caliber slugs into them, as well."

The scene of a 1997 double homicide many believe was committed by the notorious bad boy.

The arrest marks the latest in a string of brushes with the law for Jeffries, dubbed "The Multiple-Convicted Felon Who Cannot Be Tamed" by Us magazine in its May 2000 cover profile. Past charges range from misdemeanor reckless endangerment and disturbing the peace to such A-list crimes as felonious assault, vehicular manslaughter, and transporting a minor across state lines for immoral purposes.

In 1997, the free-spirited Jeffries was nearly extradited to France for his involvement in a Paris hotel fire that left four dead, but his lawyers managed to get him off with a $50,000 fine. This time, LAPD authorities say, if he's convicted of the shootings, the hot-blooded actor and part-time bassist for the band Rocketdog will face stiffer penalties, including seven consecutive life sentences and/or up to 40 hours of community service.

Lew Adelman, Jeffries' longtime manager, remains optimistic. "Jordan is a sensitive, deeply fragile creative talent, and he's had his share of hard times," Adelman told Daily Variety. "Yes, he's a troubled soul, but we're confident that if we can sufficiently prove psychological instability, an insanity verdict can be reached in time for him to complete shooting on G-Force IV: Maximum Thrust. If the trial goes well, his six-week guest spot on ABC's Whizzer & McDeal should also be unaffected."

Lawyers for the talented but troubled actor expressed confidence that they can have the multiple homicide charges reduced to a lesser offense, provided the recidivist romeo–recently spotted at the ultra-hip Hollywood S&M dungeon and sex club Der Vault with his bodyguard and two unnamed models in tow–agrees to drug and alcohol rehabilitation and psychological counseling.

Will Jeffries curb his notoriously wild ways? Don't count on it. As he was led away by police after a 45-minute armed standoff, the ever-quotable Casanova told reporters: "I killed them all! And I'll do it again! Do you hear me? I'll keep on rampaging like an unstoppable murder machine until I breathe my last breath on this accursed Earth!"

Even if found not guilty, Jeffries' has more legal hurdles to clear: He still has two other trials pending, one stemming from a much-publicized fistfight with a transvestite prostitute in a Burbank alleyway in May 1999, and the other for allegedly assaulting a photographer after a night of drug-fueled partying with rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard and teen socialite Nicky Hilton at music mogul David Geffen's Aspen bungalow. He also faces a $23 million civil suit stemming from a March 2000 incident in which he allegedly kidnapped, tortured, and sodomized three Santa Monica teens.

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