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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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IRS Announces Refunds Will Come In Form Of Forever Stamps This Year

WASHINGTON—Stating that the policy change represented the kind of reform taxpayers have long demanded, the IRS announced Tuesday that all refunds for the 2016 fiscal year will be disbursed in the form of Forever stamps. “Persons anticipating a refund will receive a ream of Forever stamps equal to the expected amount within six to eight weeks of filing their taxes,” said IRS commissioner John Koskinen, explaining that someone with a $500 tax refund, for example, will receive an envelope containing 1,020 stamps, or roughly 51 booklets of the 49-cent postage. “We’re very excited about this change, and we think the public will be equally enthusiastic about getting a refund they can use immediately to mail a variety of items without having to bother with the extra step of purchasing stamps with cash.” Koskinen added that while a refund denominated in Forever stamps was not optional, taxpayers were free to choose among American flag, classic car, and Woodstock themes.

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