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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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IRS Can't Believe Area Man Didn't Get A Raise Last Year

WASHINGTON—IRS agents looking over Akron, OH resident Steven Eutsey's tax return Wednesday told reporters they were stunned he did not receive a raise during fiscal year 2010. "Four years of busting his ass in sales and not even a cost-of-living increase?" said IRS agent Trevor Khan, adding that things must be doubly tough for Eutsey now that he is claiming a child as a dependent. "Steven really needs to talk to Mitch in H.R. and make them understand just how valuable he is to the company. There's no reason he should be making less than Adam [Zelevsky], who's only been there half as long and, between you and me, files late every year." Khan later told reporters that the fact that Eutsey is struggling financially will make it even harder for the IRS to conduct its upcoming audit on him.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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