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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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IRS Can't Believe Area Man Didn't Get A Raise Last Year

WASHINGTON—IRS agents looking over Akron, OH resident Steven Eutsey's tax return Wednesday told reporters they were stunned he did not receive a raise during fiscal year 2010. "Four years of busting his ass in sales and not even a cost-of-living increase?" said IRS agent Trevor Khan, adding that things must be doubly tough for Eutsey now that he is claiming a child as a dependent. "Steven really needs to talk to Mitch in H.R. and make them understand just how valuable he is to the company. There's no reason he should be making less than Adam [Zelevsky], who's only been there half as long and, between you and me, files late every year." Khan later told reporters that the fact that Eutsey is struggling financially will make it even harder for the IRS to conduct its upcoming audit on him.

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