Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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ISIS Recruiter Excited To Be Talking To Popular High Schooler For Once

RAQQA, SYRIA—Describing his recent conversations with the sociable and upbeat American teenager as “a really nice change of pace,” ISIS recruiter Ben Ahmed al-Fezzani told reporters Thursday it has been a thrill to talk to a popular high school student for once. “Boy, it’s been so refreshing to speak with a kid who actually has some stuff going on in his life and isn’t just another loner who only wants to talk about how no one understands him,” said al-Fezzani, adding that he’s been excited to hear the 17-year-old varsity point guard tell him about how his basketball team is doing or the recent dates he’s gone on, rather than the despair and lonely anger that has amassed inside of him. “And this kid’s not constantly sitting by himself at his computer reaching out to me at all hours like I’m the only person he can talk to. He has real friends he hangs out with. He actually cut one of our recent chats short because he had something to do on a Friday night. I wasn’t even upset—it was just so great to talk with someone who’s getting out there and having a good time.” Al-Fezzani admitted he would likely feel pretty bad if one of the teen’s alienated classmates, with whom he was making much greater progress on radicalization, ended up killing the popular student during a massacre on behalf of the cause.

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