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ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down GOP Debate Sound Bites For New Recruitment Video

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Election 2016

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PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

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PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

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ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down GOP Debate Sound Bites For New Recruitment Video

RUKBAN, SYRIA—Growing increasingly tired and frustrated as they pored through tens of hours of footage packed with usable material, members of the militant group ISIS informed reporters Friday that they’ve been struggling to narrow down which GOP debate sound bites to use in their new recruitment video. “We’ve spent days cutting down our video to feature only the most inflammatory anti-Muslim statements that will attract new soldiers of jihad, but it’s still over 40 minutes—no one’s gonna sit through something that long,” said ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani, adding that his team had already pulled several long nights focused solely on finding the most egregious clips of Donald Trump dehumanizing Muslims before even beginning to catalogue statements from the rest of the GOP candidates. “After staring at the monitor for so long, you lose the ability to tell whether a clip of Ted Cruz effectively saying the U.S. is at war with Islam has the same level of impact as a clip of Donald Trump talking about entering every Muslim into a government database. It’s a real shame we’re going to leave so much great recruitment material on the cutting room floor, but we’re confident we’ll be able to use the extra footage to roll out a brand-new propaganda video every week for the foreseeable future.” Sources confirmed that ISIS members were later seen sighing, shaking their heads, and dejectedly muttering under their breaths upon learning that another GOP debate had just been held the previous night.

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