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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down GOP Debate Sound Bites For New Recruitment Video

RUKBAN, SYRIA—Growing increasingly tired and frustrated as they pored through tens of hours of footage packed with usable material, members of the militant group ISIS informed reporters Friday that they’ve been struggling to narrow down which GOP debate sound bites to use in their new recruitment video. “We’ve spent days cutting down our video to feature only the most inflammatory anti-Muslim statements that will attract new soldiers of jihad, but it’s still over 40 minutes—no one’s gonna sit through something that long,” said ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani, adding that his team had already pulled several long nights focused solely on finding the most egregious clips of Donald Trump dehumanizing Muslims before even beginning to catalogue statements from the rest of the GOP candidates. “After staring at the monitor for so long, you lose the ability to tell whether a clip of Ted Cruz effectively saying the U.S. is at war with Islam has the same level of impact as a clip of Donald Trump talking about entering every Muslim into a government database. It’s a real shame we’re going to leave so much great recruitment material on the cutting room floor, but we’re confident we’ll be able to use the extra footage to roll out a brand-new propaganda video every week for the foreseeable future.” Sources confirmed that ISIS members were later seen sighing, shaking their heads, and dejectedly muttering under their breaths upon learning that another GOP debate had just been held the previous night.

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