Islamic Extremist Gives Up On Radicalizing Dim-Witted Friend

Top Headlines


Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Islamic Extremist Gives Up On Radicalizing Dim-Witted Friend

Sayed said that he stopped radicalizing his idiot friend because Alibek would have ended up blowing both of them up.
Sayed said that he stopped radicalizing his idiot friend because Alibek would have ended up blowing both of them up.

PHILADELPHIA—After months of attempting to indoctrinate his friend with the militant ideology of Islamic fundamentalism, local man Khalid Sayed, an Islamic extremist actively working to create a worldwide community of Muslim believers through violence and terrorism, said he has decided to give up radicalizing his dim-witted friend Omar Alibek.

Calling the American-born Alibek “pretty dense” and “slow on the uptake,” Sayed told reporters that instructing the 27-year-old in the goals of global jihad and providing philosophical justification for carrying out terrorist attacks against innocent civilians in the West is “pretty much a lost cause at this point.”

“I’ve tried over and over to convince Omar that Islam provides the one and only solution to all problems in this world and that the only way to establish a truly Muslim state is through religious oppression and acts of terror, but it just goes in one ear and out the other,” said the frustrated extremist, noting that Alibek hasn’t retained a single tenet of Sharia law in over six months of attempted radicalization. “I gave him a Quran to memorize and he said he’d definitely read it, but every time I ask him a question about infidels or apostates, he just kind of nods his head like he doesn’t know what to say. Either he never cracked it open in the first place, or he didn’t understand a word.”

“I think he’s just a big dumb idiot,” Sayed continued.

According to Sayed, he began trying to radicalize his friend six months ago after meeting the sales assistant through mutual friends and observing that he was quiet and impressionable—two qualities he looks for in potential recruits. The fact that Alibek was “also a little bit dumb” was an even better sign, Sayed said, because he would be less likely to question his teachings and find logical fallacies in his arguments for killing large numbers of people in the name of Allah.

Alibek, however, reportedly proved more of a challenge than Sayed had anticipated. In addition to forgetting key steps in praying toward Mecca, showing up late to scheduled meet-ups at a local Mosque, and spacing out during anti-American chants, Alibek completely misinterpreted propagandist messages and had to have basic terrorist tactics explained to him multiple times.

According to Sayed, he could have radicalized 10 people in the time it took to teach Alibek one reason Americans deserve to die.

“I thought it would take three, maybe four weeks to turn him around and get him completely isolated from friends and family, cut him off from everything that once made him happy, have his thoughts consumed with hatred for America, and eventually get him to participate in plots to terrorize innocent civilians,” said a visibly frustrated Sayed, noting that Alibek had continued hanging out with his buddies, playing video games, and going to movies throughout his radicalization. “Sometimes I’ll ask him, ‘Omar, do you want to be a holy warrior?’ and he’ll look at me with this vacant expression and say, ‘Uh-huh,’ but I can tell he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.”

“I mean, I like Omar. He’s a good guy, and I generally like hanging out with him,” Sayed continued, “but he’s a moron.”

At press time, Sayed had zeroed in on another individual, a lost, highly impressionable 19-year-old boy with no moral center and a broken family who the extremist said would be “absolutely perfect.”


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close