PHILADELPHIA—After months of attempting to indoctrinate his friend with the militant ideology of Islamic fundamentalism, local man Khalid Sayed, an Islamic extremist actively working to create a worldwide community of Muslim believers through violence and terrorism, said he has decided to give up radicalizing his dim-witted friend Omar Alibek.
Calling the American-born Alibek “pretty dense” and “slow on the uptake,” Sayed told reporters that instructing the 27-year-old in the goals of global jihad and providing philosophical justification for carrying out terrorist attacks against innocent civilians in the West is “pretty much a lost cause at this point.”
“I’ve tried over and over to convince Omar that Islam provides the one and only solution to all problems in this world and that the only way to establish a truly Muslim state is through religious oppression and acts of terror, but it just goes in one ear and out the other,” said the frustrated extremist, noting that Alibek hasn’t retained a single tenet of Sharia law in over six months of attempted radicalization. “I gave him a Quran to memorize and he said he’d definitely read it, but every time I ask him a question about infidels or apostates, he just kind of nods his head like he doesn’t know what to say. Either he never cracked it open in the first place, or he didn’t understand a word.”
“I think he’s just a big dumb idiot,” Sayed continued.
According to Sayed, he began trying to radicalize his friend six months ago after meeting the sales assistant through mutual friends and observing that he was quiet and impressionable—two qualities he looks for in potential recruits. The fact that Alibek was “also a little bit dumb” was an even better sign, Sayed said, because he would be less likely to question his teachings and find logical fallacies in his arguments for killing large numbers of people in the name of Allah.
Alibek, however, reportedly proved more of a challenge than Sayed had anticipated. In addition to forgetting key steps in praying toward Mecca, showing up late to scheduled meet-ups at a local Mosque, and spacing out during anti-American chants, Alibek completely misinterpreted propagandist messages and had to have basic terrorist tactics explained to him multiple times.
According to Sayed, he could have radicalized 10 people in the time it took to teach Alibek one reason Americans deserve to die.
“I thought it would take three, maybe four weeks to turn him around and get him completely isolated from friends and family, cut him off from everything that once made him happy, have his thoughts consumed with hatred for America, and eventually get him to participate in plots to terrorize innocent civilians,” said a visibly frustrated Sayed, noting that Alibek had continued hanging out with his buddies, playing video games, and going to movies throughout his radicalization. “Sometimes I’ll ask him, ‘Omar, do you want to be a holy warrior?’ and he’ll look at me with this vacant expression and say, ‘Uh-huh,’ but I can tell he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.”
“I mean, I like Omar. He’s a good guy, and I generally like hanging out with him,” Sayed continued, “but he’s a moron.”
At press time, Sayed had zeroed in on another individual, a lost, highly impressionable 19-year-old boy with no moral center and a broken family who the extremist said would be “absolutely perfect.”