Israel Intercepts Massive Palestinian Rock Shipment

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Vol 30 Issue 13

Total Hunk Sitting Over By Plant

SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to several female shoppers at Woodfield Mall, a total hunk was sitting by a plant near the Wok 'n' Roll booth Friday. "He's so cute," said Melanie Ford, 22. The hunk was reportedly wearing a gray cardigan sweater and had "strong-looking hands." "I'm, like, imagining what it would be like to ride in his car," Ford's friend, Jessica Loew, said. A One Potato Two official could not verify the report, as the manager had left strict instructions that the register was not to be left unattended.

Local Dullard Opts For Vocational School

MILFORD, MD—In an attempt to earn more than $5.50 per hour, Alice Stellsen, a local dullard and mother of two, will attend Maryland Tech School this fall. "I was thinking of going into cosmetology or maybe data entry," she said Saturday. Both vocations, according to Stellsen, are nonspecific skills that anyone with a high-school education could learn to do, and therefore require no special talent or aptitude. "I am not special," she said. "Anyone could be taught these skills."

Jesus Christ Believed In

ELKHART, IN—According to reports, legendary Biblical figure Jesus Christ is believed in by area resident Milton Grelskum. Grelskum, a 37-year-old machine tool operator, admits to believing that Christ is the son of Yahweh, the Hebrew God, and that Christ's crucifixion has paved the way for Grelskum to receive an eternity of peace after death. "I believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the light," Grelskum said Monday. He added that he has a "personal relationship" with Jesus, which involves conversations with the Nazarene in his mind. "I love Jesus," Grelskum said. Grelskum's friends and neighbors are jealous of Grelskum's friendship. Said co-worker Tim Judd: "The most important person I communicate with in my mind is Emperor Charlemagne, and he hasn't promised me jack squat in the afterlife."

Frito-Lay Targets Blacks With New Menthol Doritos

DALLAS—The Frito-Lay Corporation is making a strong play for the lucrative African-American market with "Doritos Dark and Smooths," a new menthol-flavored snack chip product. The tortilla chips will be liquefied and sold in 40-ounce containers. "New Menthol Doritos... works every time," pitchman Billy Dee Williams said in his trademark sexy voice at a press conference Monday. Frito-Lay will be test-marketing the product on Chicago's South Side this month with the slogan, "New Doritos Dark and Smooths... So Dark... So Smooth."

Retro-Crazed Youths Re-Elect Carter

WASHINGTON, DC—A massive turnout of '70s-obsessed youths is being blamed for Jimmy Carter's surprise victory in Tuesday's presidential election. According to election officials, polling places were overrun with millions of 18- to 23-year-olds wearing Charlie's Angels T-shirts and carrying Scooby Doo lunchboxes. "The '70s were so cool," said Michelle Poole, 19, a barrette-wearing, Fisher Price toy-collecting Carter supporter. "It's like, that old-school Carter Administration shit rocked." According to Carter spokesman Edward Rowell, "President-Elect Carter will do his best to serve the mandate of '70s retro culture. He will boycott the Olympic Games, try to create another energy crisis and appoint many well-known '70s TV personalities, including Fred Berry and Gabe Kaplan, to top Cabinet posts."

The Story of Romeo and Juliet Is Not A Very Good Love Story

It is at this time of the year that many a young man's thoughts turn to love and wooing the fairer sex. And, I ask you, what better place to take your lady friend on a first date than to take them to the pictures? Ah, the magical moving pictures on the silver screen! There have been many occasions where a young suitor took a dame to the bijou and was rewarded with a smooch on the cheek, I am told. And so it was in my day, when romance was not just a word!

I Need A Buck-Fifty To Get To Detroit

Hey, how you all doin' this evening? Say, I gotta ask you something. You got a second? Come over here. Come on over, I ain't gonna hurt you. Okay, I'll come over there.

Clinton: Part 2

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Israel Intercepts Massive Palestinian Rock Shipment

NABLUS, GAZA STRIP (AP)—Israeli troops patrolling the border of the Gaza Strip breathed a sigh of relief Monday as state-of-the-art Israeli customs-searching equipment intercepted a large shipment of rocks bound for Palestinian youth demonstrators.

Israeli soldiers guard crates of intercepted Soviet rocks bound for Palestinian youth demonstrators. The weapons are valued at 800 million dinar, or about $6.

It is believed that the shipment came from a rogue Soviet republic willing to sell rocks to the highest bidder on the international arms market.

The value of the shipment—250 crates filled with rocks, pebbles and gravel—is estimated in the neighborhood of 800 million dinar (about $6).

The rocks, mostly small, one-hand throwing rocks, were concealed in large crates of medical supplies being sent to PLO camps near the Israel-Jordan border.

Israeli officials vowed to track down the supplier of the weapons. "Whatever secret underground rock smugglers have been outfitting the Palestinians, we will find them," Israeli Defense Minister Avi Birkot said. "Rocks like these could really hurt someone."

According to munitions expert James Wolk, if thrown with enough force and accuracy, the seized rocks "could create permanent scuff marks in an Israeli tank, and possibly even make a small dent."

"The world is still a very dangerous place," Secretary of State Warren Christopher said in an offical U.S. statement.

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