adBlockCheck

International

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
End Of Section
  • More News

Israel Intercepts Massive Palestinian Rock Shipment

NABLUS, GAZA STRIP (AP)—Israeli troops patrolling the border of the Gaza Strip breathed a sigh of relief Monday as state-of-the-art Israeli customs-searching equipment intercepted a large shipment of rocks bound for Palestinian youth demonstrators.

Israeli soldiers guard crates of intercepted Soviet rocks bound for Palestinian youth demonstrators. The weapons are valued at 800 million dinar, or about $6.

It is believed that the shipment came from a rogue Soviet republic willing to sell rocks to the highest bidder on the international arms market.

The value of the shipment—250 crates filled with rocks, pebbles and gravel—is estimated in the neighborhood of 800 million dinar (about $6).

The rocks, mostly small, one-hand throwing rocks, were concealed in large crates of medical supplies being sent to PLO camps near the Israel-Jordan border.

Israeli officials vowed to track down the supplier of the weapons. "Whatever secret underground rock smugglers have been outfitting the Palestinians, we will find them," Israeli Defense Minister Avi Birkot said. "Rocks like these could really hurt someone."

According to munitions expert James Wolk, if thrown with enough force and accuracy, the seized rocks "could create permanent scuff marks in an Israeli tank, and possibly even make a small dent."

"The world is still a very dangerous place," Secretary of State Warren Christopher said in an offical U.S. statement.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close