Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline

Top Headlines


Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline

AQABA, JORDAN—In an agreement that marks a key first step in the Mideast news-piece process, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas pledged to share a two-state Israeli and Palestinian headline Monday.

Abbas and Sharon shake hands to commemorate their media spotlight-sharing agreement.

"This pact shows that Palestinians and Israelis can and will commit to sharing the column-inch space devoted to the Middle East region," said New York Times executive editor Joseph Lelyveld, who mediated the Jordan summit. "Given the state of affairs in the area, I am confident that we will see more headlines uniting these two countries in the future."

Under the terms of the agreement, Palestinians and Israelis will commit to "sharing together, side by side, a real and substantive presence" in the global foreign-disaster-based news media. The shared-headline commitment extends to news about massacres throughout Israel and the occupied West Bank and Gaza Strip territories, and covers both the destruction of Palestinian homes by Israeli air-to-surface rocket attacks and the killing of Israeli women and children in suicide-bombing campaigns by Palestinian extremists.
Although foreign correspondents said they regarded the agreement as a step forward, they stressed that it is only the beginning.

"From the 1979 Broadcast-News-Coverage Accord between Egypt and Israel to the 1989 Summit On Font Point-Size Minimums with the PLO, we have all heard this sort of thing before," said reporter Jeffrey Douglas-Miles of the London Times. "Can a successful end to more than 50 years of bloody conflict over headline domination be achieved in a single day? No. But this development is a positive one. There have been five more deaths in the region since Sunday, all of them newsworthy."

Given the region's history of violent headline-grabbing on both sides, the new agreement's limitations are many.

Historically, negotiations over the wording of joint headlines have been complicated by both groups' insistence on being portrayed as victims. In the latest round of talks, Abbas has okayed depictions of the intifada as an uprising of people oppressed by a modern apartheid state of superior military and economic strength, but will not allow portrayals of all Palestinian dissidents as fundamentalist terrorists.

Palestinians and Israelis celebrate the accord by engaging in activities which led to a shared headline.

Similarly, Sharon agreed to allow headline space describing Israel as a lone democratic state fighting to defend itself from constant attack, and will permit descriptions of Jews as victims of millennia of anti-Semitism. Sharon did not agree, however, to be portrayed as a hard-line hawk who repeatedly sabotages attempts at peace by moderates on both sides of the conflict.

No agreement was reached concerning reportage describing either side as unethical, racist, or oppressive.

"We will concede the necessity of a shared Israeli-Palestinian headline accompanied by a photo of civilian parents mourning recently killed children caught in the crossfire," Sharon said. "But no concessions regarding media depiction of Palestinian victimhood will be tolerated unless a commitment to Israeli victimhood is also maintained."

Abbas echoed this stance.

"Portrayals of Israeli victimization in the world media must only continue if equal headline space for the victimization of Arabs can be guaranteed by the press," Abbas said. "If such conditions can be met, headlines about explosions, machine-gunning crowds, religious death-cults that manipulate children into suicide attacks on innocents, economic deprivation, religious discrimination, race-based subjugation, and needless human tragedy can continue to be generated equally by both Israelis and Palestinians well into our children's children's future."

The first proposed shared headline, "Israeli, Palestinian Death Toll Mounts," could appear in newspapers worldwide as early as Thursday.

No agreement was reached involving the peaceable sharing of land.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close