adBlockCheck

Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline

Top Headlines

International

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline

AQABA, JORDAN—In an agreement that marks a key first step in the Mideast news-piece process, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas pledged to share a two-state Israeli and Palestinian headline Monday.

Abbas and Sharon shake hands to commemorate their media spotlight-sharing agreement.

"This pact shows that Palestinians and Israelis can and will commit to sharing the column-inch space devoted to the Middle East region," said New York Times executive editor Joseph Lelyveld, who mediated the Jordan summit. "Given the state of affairs in the area, I am confident that we will see more headlines uniting these two countries in the future."

Under the terms of the agreement, Palestinians and Israelis will commit to "sharing together, side by side, a real and substantive presence" in the global foreign-disaster-based news media. The shared-headline commitment extends to news about massacres throughout Israel and the occupied West Bank and Gaza Strip territories, and covers both the destruction of Palestinian homes by Israeli air-to-surface rocket attacks and the killing of Israeli women and children in suicide-bombing campaigns by Palestinian extremists.
Although foreign correspondents said they regarded the agreement as a step forward, they stressed that it is only the beginning.

"From the 1979 Broadcast-News-Coverage Accord between Egypt and Israel to the 1989 Summit On Font Point-Size Minimums with the PLO, we have all heard this sort of thing before," said reporter Jeffrey Douglas-Miles of the London Times. "Can a successful end to more than 50 years of bloody conflict over headline domination be achieved in a single day? No. But this development is a positive one. There have been five more deaths in the region since Sunday, all of them newsworthy."

Given the region's history of violent headline-grabbing on both sides, the new agreement's limitations are many.

Historically, negotiations over the wording of joint headlines have been complicated by both groups' insistence on being portrayed as victims. In the latest round of talks, Abbas has okayed depictions of the intifada as an uprising of people oppressed by a modern apartheid state of superior military and economic strength, but will not allow portrayals of all Palestinian dissidents as fundamentalist terrorists.

Palestinians and Israelis celebrate the accord by engaging in activities which led to a shared headline.

Similarly, Sharon agreed to allow headline space describing Israel as a lone democratic state fighting to defend itself from constant attack, and will permit descriptions of Jews as victims of millennia of anti-Semitism. Sharon did not agree, however, to be portrayed as a hard-line hawk who repeatedly sabotages attempts at peace by moderates on both sides of the conflict.

No agreement was reached concerning reportage describing either side as unethical, racist, or oppressive.

"We will concede the necessity of a shared Israeli-Palestinian headline accompanied by a photo of civilian parents mourning recently killed children caught in the crossfire," Sharon said. "But no concessions regarding media depiction of Palestinian victimhood will be tolerated unless a commitment to Israeli victimhood is also maintained."

Abbas echoed this stance.

"Portrayals of Israeli victimization in the world media must only continue if equal headline space for the victimization of Arabs can be guaranteed by the press," Abbas said. "If such conditions can be met, headlines about explosions, machine-gunning crowds, religious death-cults that manipulate children into suicide attacks on innocents, economic deprivation, religious discrimination, race-based subjugation, and needless human tragedy can continue to be generated equally by both Israelis and Palestinians well into our children's children's future."

The first proposed shared headline, "Israeli, Palestinian Death Toll Mounts," could appear in newspapers worldwide as early as Thursday.

No agreement was reached involving the peaceable sharing of land.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close