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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Israel’s, Hamas’ Disregard For Palestinian Life Aligning Nicely

WASHINGTON—Admiring their mutual indifference toward Gazan civilians and families during the ongoing conflict, sources confirmed Thursday that global political leaders, observers on the ground, and the international community at large agreed that Israel’s and Hamas’ respective disregard for Palestinian life have actually lined up pretty nicely. “The fact that they’re both willing to sacrifice innocent Palestinians is pretty horrifying, but you have to admit it’s impressive just how much their callous, barbaric attitudes toward human life in Gaza match right up,” said one resident, echoing the sentiment of thousands of humanitarian aid workers, international pundits, and local citizens, adding that the Israel Defense Forces and Hamas were really on the same page when it came to rationalizing away the deaths of hundreds of Palestinian residents. “Say what you want about Israel and Hamas, but at the end of the day, at least give them credit for how harmoniously their separate actions came together to create innocent civilian casualties. They might be dead set on one another’s destruction, fine, but you can’t say they don’t make one hell of a complementary team when it comes to Palestinians dying.” Sources admitted they were further struck by Israel’s and Hamas’ effectively identical unwillingness to compromise under any circumstances.

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