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Israel’s, Hamas’ Disregard For Palestinian Life Aligning Nicely

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Israel’s, Hamas’ Disregard For Palestinian Life Aligning Nicely

WASHINGTON—Admiring their mutual indifference toward Gazan civilians and families during the ongoing conflict, sources confirmed Thursday that global political leaders, observers on the ground, and the international community at large agreed that Israel’s and Hamas’ respective disregard for Palestinian life have actually lined up pretty nicely. “The fact that they’re both willing to sacrifice innocent Palestinians is pretty horrifying, but you have to admit it’s impressive just how much their callous, barbaric attitudes toward human life in Gaza match right up,” said one resident, echoing the sentiment of thousands of humanitarian aid workers, international pundits, and local citizens, adding that the Israel Defense Forces and Hamas were really on the same page when it came to rationalizing away the deaths of hundreds of Palestinian residents. “Say what you want about Israel and Hamas, but at the end of the day, at least give them credit for how harmoniously their separate actions came together to create innocent civilian casualties. They might be dead set on one another’s destruction, fine, but you can’t say they don’t make one hell of a complementary team when it comes to Palestinians dying.” Sources admitted they were further struck by Israel’s and Hamas’ effectively identical unwillingness to compromise under any circumstances.

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