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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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It Doesn't Look That Cold Out, Reports Man Who Doesn't Have Thermo-Sensing Eyes

BUFFALO, NY—According to 33-year-old Sam Paik, whose ocular capacity does not include the ability to visualize the heat spectrum, it doesn't look cold outside. "Looks nice out," said the man, whose retinas are not embedded with silicon bandgap transducers capable of relaying precise temperature readings to an integrated circuit. "I don't think you'll need a coat." Paik, who does not have cancer-hearing ears, also told friends that he had recently spoken to his grandmother and she sounded fine.

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