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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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It Doesn't Look That Cold Out, Reports Man Who Doesn't Have Thermo-Sensing Eyes

BUFFALO, NY—According to 33-year-old Sam Paik, whose ocular capacity does not include the ability to visualize the heat spectrum, it doesn't look cold outside. "Looks nice out," said the man, whose retinas are not embedded with silicon bandgap transducers capable of relaying precise temperature readings to an integrated circuit. "I don't think you'll need a coat." Paik, who does not have cancer-hearing ears, also told friends that he had recently spoken to his grandmother and she sounded fine.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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