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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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It Doesn't Look That Cold Out, Reports Man Who Doesn't Have Thermo-Sensing Eyes

BUFFALO, NY—According to 33-year-old Sam Paik, whose ocular capacity does not include the ability to visualize the heat spectrum, it doesn't look cold outside. "Looks nice out," said the man, whose retinas are not embedded with silicon bandgap transducers capable of relaying precise temperature readings to an integrated circuit. "I don't think you'll need a coat." Paik, who does not have cancer-hearing ears, also told friends that he had recently spoken to his grandmother and she sounded fine.

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