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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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I.T. Guy Has Long Dark Night Of Self-Doubt

CHICAGO—Scott Tarkoff, the I.T. manager for UrbaNews, LLC, slept little Monday night, plagued by visions of confused coworkers and faultily configured backup servers. "What if everything I know—from the optimum desktop file structure to the most secure formatting of a password—is wrong?" Tarkoff wrote in his Linux-powered home desktop setup, which he built himself for $700. "What if the software documentation I wrote is opaque and unhelpful?" Staff at UrbaNews reported that, by Tuesday morning, Tarkoff was as condescending and cocksure as ever.
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