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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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It Literally Impossible To State How Unimportant Next 3 Hours Are

LOS ANGELES—Sources are now confirming that no words in the human language can possibly describe how truly unimportant the next three hours at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles actually are.

According to the world’s most prominent linguists, even strong words and phrases specifically designed to convey pointlessness, such as “meaningless,” “worthless,” “fucking worthless,” and “void of anything even close to resembling actual significance,” drastically fail to capture how utterly inconsequential the event now airing live on national television is.

In addition, reports indicate that the extraordinarily high level of inanity currently taking place on ABC right this very second cannot sufficiently be captured by simply saying, “This is dumb,” and changing the channel.

“Typically, human language is such a powerful and malleable tool that, if one is thoughtful enough, one can use it to communicate any idea or emotion one has,” said Dr. Lawrence Sheppard, head of Harvard University’s linguistics department, adding that even if one were to plumb the depths of ancient Greek or Sanskrit, they would still not find an expression capable of describing the sheer insignificance of Tom Bergeron winning an Emmy Award. “But three hours of late-night talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel introducing people so they can then give awards to other people for television acting? There is literally no combination of sounds capable of describing how stupifuckingtacularly dumb that is.”

“See, I tried just now, and I couldn’t do it,” Sheppard added.

Joining language scholars in their assessment were various quantitative biologists, physicists, and anthropologists, all of whom agreed that nothing we could do—verbal or nonverbal—could ever encapsulate the triviality of a ceremony that nominates a television program called The Penguins Of Madagascar: The Return Of The Revenge Of Dr. Blowhole for an award.

Moreover, experts in those fields all noted that within the span of a lifetime no one would ever remember, or care, about anything that happened at the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards.

“The gathering of television actors, writers, and producers that will take places over the next 180 minutes is so inconsequential in every way that it really shouldn’t be occurring,” Duke University historian Dr. Sharon Lynch said. “A common test applied by historians is to ask: Would the course of human history be the same if an event like this didn’t happen? Is it difficult to nail down a reason as to why this event is happening in the first place? Do the event’s invitees include someone who has been involved with the television show Grey’s Anatomy?”

“If you can answer ‘yes’ to any of those questions,” Lynch added, “then an event is historically worthless and adds nothing to the experience of life on this planet.”

Lynch added that people who care about the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards are either very sad people, or are living lives in which they lack any understanding of what constitutes an actual important and relevant occurrence and what does not.

At press time, despite what has just been written here, this reporter really hopes Jon Hamm wins tonight because the guy fucking deserves it, and this season of Mad Men was really good, and while sources can argue that it served primarily as setup for the next season, they cannot argue the fact that Megan has truly come into her own and added a new element of depth to the show. And if the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences chooses not to recognize that then they can go straight to hell. That being said, if they do choose to recognize it, this reporter will be really happy because, well, it’s just nice to have something you like so much be validated live in front of a national audience. Sure, that sounds pathetic. This reporter knows it. But it’s true. It’s just true.

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