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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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It Not Clear If It Okay To Pass Handicapped Woman On Sidewalk

BOSTON—After nearly a minute of being stuck behind a slow-moving disabled woman on the sidewalk Monday, it reportedly remained unclear to 32-year-old sales manager Alex Tremont whether it would be acceptable for him to pass her or not. “Jeez, what exactly am I supposed to do here?” Tremont reportedly said to himself, mentally noting that if he briskly slipped by the slow-moving woman he might make her self-conscious of her impairment, and that if he bumped into her while trying to squeeze past he would feel “just terrible.” “I suppose I could cross the street, get a block or so ahead, and then cross back, but how offensive would that be if she notices me doing it? Boy, maybe the best option is just to wait this out.” After several more moments of intense thought, Tremont reportedly settled on the option of walking around the woman but giving her a warm, courteous nod to acknowledge her presence as he passed.

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