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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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It Not Clear If It Okay To Pass Handicapped Woman On Sidewalk

BOSTON—After nearly a minute of being stuck behind a slow-moving disabled woman on the sidewalk Monday, it reportedly remained unclear to 32-year-old sales manager Alex Tremont whether it would be acceptable for him to pass her or not. “Jeez, what exactly am I supposed to do here?” Tremont reportedly said to himself, mentally noting that if he briskly slipped by the slow-moving woman he might make her self-conscious of her impairment, and that if he bumped into her while trying to squeeze past he would feel “just terrible.” “I suppose I could cross the street, get a block or so ahead, and then cross back, but how offensive would that be if she notices me doing it? Boy, maybe the best option is just to wait this out.” After several more moments of intense thought, Tremont reportedly settled on the option of walking around the woman but giving her a warm, courteous nod to acknowledge her presence as he passed.

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