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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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‘It Was Fine,’ Says Man Following Visit With Only People On Earth Who Love Him

NEW YORK—Expressing a tepid reaction to the three days in which he had all his favorite foods cooked just for him and all his personal needs attended to, local man Henry Kovacs, who recently returned from a visit with the only people on earth who love him, told reporters Monday that his trip was “fine.” “Yeah, it was all right,” said Kovacs of the long weekend spent with the two human beings on the planet who have dedicated the majority of their lives to ensuring he is happy and successful and who would do absolutely anything in their power to help him, even sacrifice their lives. “The bus ride took four hours, which was a bit annoying, but, you know, it was nice to see them or whatever, especially since I wasn’t there long enough to get bored. Also, it’s good that I went now, because it means I probably don’t have to go back for a few months.” Kovacs later admitted that while seeing the only people who unconditionally love him was “okay,” he was disappointed to have missed the party of a friend who, according to sources, barely registered his absence.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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