adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

It Wouldn't Surprise You If This Headline Was About 318 People Being Shot In 12 Different Public Places

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—Numerous sources confirmed today that it would not shock you in the slightest if this newspaper article was about 12 isolated mass shootings occurring across the country this afternoon that together left 318 people either wounded or dead.

Widespread reports confirmed that reading of a dozen mass killings independently carried out in densely crowded locations, including schools, movie theaters, shopping malls, places of worship, grocery stores, office buildings, and aboard various modes of transportation, would not surprise you in any way whatsoever.

“We can now officially confirm that earlier this morning, 12 armed gunmen shot and fatally wounded 159 innocent people in separate incidents around the country,” is a quote that you would not be remotely shocked to read or hear being delivered by officials during an emergency news broadcast. “The remaining victims are now hospitalized, with over 100 in critical condition.”

“Authorities are saying each of the gunmen were heavily armed and appeared to have carefully planned their shootings to inflict mass fatalities,” would be further specifics that you would find to be incredibly familiar and entirely expected.

Reports indicated that it would not startle you at all if this story revealed that, of the dead, over 90 were small children under the age of 12, and more than two dozen were pregnant woman whose unborn children also perished as a result.

Furthermore, sources said you would not be stunned or perplexed to discover that the gunmen used automatic or semi-automatic rifles with high-capacity magazines to carry out the shootings, and the fact that the weapons and ammunition were all acquired legally would likewise not leave you the least bit astonished. Sources also confirmed that you certainly wouldn’t be alarmed to read that each of the 12 shooters had a well-documented history of mental instability and had exhibited worrying signs in the prior days, weeks, and even years.

Sources added that should you, during the course of your day, see pictures of thousands upon thousands of shaken and weeping bystanders standing outside the 12 unrelated massacre scenes, with countless ambulances and police cars behind them, it would elicit in you emotions of sadness and disgust, but no feeling remotely close to disbelief.

“The gunmen entered their respective locations wearing military-grade combat gear and opened fire shortly thereafter without warning,” is a report of the events that you would simply accept as just a regular part of modern American life now. “The buildings were all immediately locked down, but each of the shooters was able to fire hundreds of rounds of ammunition before police arrived.”

“It does not yet appear that the gunmen were targeting specific people, but were rather shooting randomly,” read another detail that you would merely find to be par for the course at this point.

At press time, sources confirmed that the only thing that does come as a surprise to you is the fact that this sort of thing hasn’t already happened yet.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close