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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

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WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

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Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

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It Wouldn't Surprise You If This Headline Was About 318 People Being Shot In 12 Different Public Places

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—Numerous sources confirmed today that it would not shock you in the slightest if this newspaper article was about 12 isolated mass shootings occurring across the country this afternoon that together left 318 people either wounded or dead.

Widespread reports confirmed that reading of a dozen mass killings independently carried out in densely crowded locations, including schools, movie theaters, shopping malls, places of worship, grocery stores, office buildings, and aboard various modes of transportation, would not surprise you in any way whatsoever.

“We can now officially confirm that earlier this morning, 12 armed gunmen shot and fatally wounded 159 innocent people in separate incidents around the country,” is a quote that you would not be remotely shocked to read or hear being delivered by officials during an emergency news broadcast. “The remaining victims are now hospitalized, with over 100 in critical condition.”

“Authorities are saying each of the gunmen were heavily armed and appeared to have carefully planned their shootings to inflict mass fatalities,” would be further specifics that you would find to be incredibly familiar and entirely expected.

Reports indicated that it would not startle you at all if this story revealed that, of the dead, over 90 were small children under the age of 12, and more than two dozen were pregnant woman whose unborn children also perished as a result.

Furthermore, sources said you would not be stunned or perplexed to discover that the gunmen used automatic or semi-automatic rifles with high-capacity magazines to carry out the shootings, and the fact that the weapons and ammunition were all acquired legally would likewise not leave you the least bit astonished. Sources also confirmed that you certainly wouldn’t be alarmed to read that each of the 12 shooters had a well-documented history of mental instability and had exhibited worrying signs in the prior days, weeks, and even years.

Sources added that should you, during the course of your day, see pictures of thousands upon thousands of shaken and weeping bystanders standing outside the 12 unrelated massacre scenes, with countless ambulances and police cars behind them, it would elicit in you emotions of sadness and disgust, but no feeling remotely close to disbelief.

“The gunmen entered their respective locations wearing military-grade combat gear and opened fire shortly thereafter without warning,” is a report of the events that you would simply accept as just a regular part of modern American life now. “The buildings were all immediately locked down, but each of the shooters was able to fire hundreds of rounds of ammunition before police arrived.”

“It does not yet appear that the gunmen were targeting specific people, but were rather shooting randomly,” read another detail that you would merely find to be par for the course at this point.

At press time, sources confirmed that the only thing that does come as a surprise to you is the fact that this sort of thing hasn’t already happened yet.

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