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Italy, Japan Advance To G8 Finals

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Italy, Japan Advance To G8 Finals

ENNISKILLEN, NORTHERN IRELAND—On the heels of eliminating the United Kingdom in their highly anticipated Tuesday afternoon matchup, Italy has joined Japan to become the first two nations in the G8 Finals, sources confirmed. “Italy certainly looked nervy in their opener, but they shook off the rust and managed to bounce back and advance at France’s expense,” said G8 analyst Nicolas Vermijl, adding that the Italians haven’t been to the final round since the 2006 summit in St. Petersburg. “The biggest surprise thus far is undoubtedly Japan, though. Nobody expected them to get this far, but they came in hot and rode that momentum all the way to the final, upsetting clear favorites Russia and last year’s winners, Germany. They could very well go the distance.” Vermijl also noted that the United States had another disappointing showing at the G8, having been knocked out during the group stage for the third year running.

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