Italy, Japan Advance To G8 Finals

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Italy, Japan Advance To G8 Finals

ENNISKILLEN, NORTHERN IRELAND—On the heels of eliminating the United Kingdom in their highly anticipated Tuesday afternoon matchup, Italy has joined Japan to become the first two nations in the G8 Finals, sources confirmed. “Italy certainly looked nervy in their opener, but they shook off the rust and managed to bounce back and advance at France’s expense,” said G8 analyst Nicolas Vermijl, adding that the Italians haven’t been to the final round since the 2006 summit in St. Petersburg. “The biggest surprise thus far is undoubtedly Japan, though. Nobody expected them to get this far, but they came in hot and rode that momentum all the way to the final, upsetting clear favorites Russia and last year’s winners, Germany. They could very well go the distance.” Vermijl also noted that the United States had another disappointing showing at the G8, having been knocked out during the group stage for the third year running.

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