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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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'It's A Privilege To Have Worked With Such Talented People,' Says Coworker Getting The Fuck Out Of There

EUGENE, OR—During his final day of work at R&C Media on Friday, consultant Carlton Davies told coworkers it was "an honor" to have worked with such a gifted and talented group of people, even though he's spent the past two weeks literally counting the hours until he could get the fuck out of there and never, ever come back. "I've learned so much from each and every one of you," said Davies, who for six months has told family and friends he's been "dying to leave that shithole of a company" and who, at exactly 5 p.m., peeled out of the office parking lot as the Kings song "Switching To Glide" blared from his car stereo. "It's truly been an honor." While eating a piece of goodbye cake in the office break room, Davies' boss Laura Marcus described his departure as an immense loss for the company, knowing full well she would replace him with an intern who would do the same work at half the cost.

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