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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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'It's A Privilege To Have Worked With Such Talented People,' Says Coworker Getting The Fuck Out Of There

EUGENE, OR—During his final day of work at R&C Media on Friday, consultant Carlton Davies told coworkers it was "an honor" to have worked with such a gifted and talented group of people, even though he's spent the past two weeks literally counting the hours until he could get the fuck out of there and never, ever come back. "I've learned so much from each and every one of you," said Davies, who for six months has told family and friends he's been "dying to leave that shithole of a company" and who, at exactly 5 p.m., peeled out of the office parking lot as the Kings song "Switching To Glide" blared from his car stereo. "It's truly been an honor." While eating a piece of goodbye cake in the office break room, Davies' boss Laura Marcus described his departure as an immense loss for the company, knowing full well she would replace him with an intern who would do the same work at half the cost.

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