'It's Been An Honor, Gentlemen,' Shift Supervisor Says As Giant Vat Of Molten Cheese Erupts

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Vol 48 Issue 24

U.S. Improves Infrastructure With Transnational Power Strip

WASHINGTON—In a sweeping effort aimed at overhauling the nation's aging infrastructure, the United States on Sunday unveiled a 3,000-mile transnational power strip, which officials said would provide Americans with 126 billion new electrical outlets...

American Under-Preppers

National Geographic 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 9.m. CST Ted buys some balsa wood that's on special; Amy skims instructions on how to can food; Nate's guessed his covered swimming pool would shelter his family from the more lethal parts of nuclear fallout.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

'It's Been An Honor, Gentlemen,' Shift Supervisor Says As Giant Vat Of Molten Cheese Erupts

NEW GLARUS, WI—As the walls of the molten-cheese containment unit groaned and the massive vat of coagulated milk curd began to give way, shift supervisor Derek Preston addressed his staff for the last time Thursday, bidding the close-knit team farewell. "Gentlemen, it appears we have reached the end," Preston told the ragtag group of workers gathered around him before pausing for a moment of silence to honor their fallen colleague Walter Timm, who had bravely attempted to vent the excess cheese buildup by diving to the bottom of the vat to wrench open a stuck valve. "I'm proud to have served with all of you. Are we heroes? That's ultimately for history to decide, but goddamn it, you're all heroes in my eyes." At press time, the remaining employees gave one another a final nod before standing together, undaunted and with hands clasped behind their backs, as the encroaching wall of piping-hot cheese drew nearer and nearer.

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