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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'It's Been An Honor, Gentlemen,' Shift Supervisor Says As Giant Vat Of Molten Cheese Erupts

NEW GLARUS, WI—As the walls of the molten-cheese containment unit groaned and the massive vat of coagulated milk curd began to give way, shift supervisor Derek Preston addressed his staff for the last time Thursday, bidding the close-knit team farewell. "Gentlemen, it appears we have reached the end," Preston told the ragtag group of workers gathered around him before pausing for a moment of silence to honor their fallen colleague Walter Timm, who had bravely attempted to vent the excess cheese buildup by diving to the bottom of the vat to wrench open a stuck valve. "I'm proud to have served with all of you. Are we heroes? That's ultimately for history to decide, but goddamn it, you're all heroes in my eyes." At press time, the remaining employees gave one another a final nod before standing together, undaunted and with hands clasped behind their backs, as the encroaching wall of piping-hot cheese drew nearer and nearer.

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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