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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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‘It’s Like Biggie And Tupac All Over Again,’ Says Dumbass Of Korean Conflict

CLEVELAND—Following reports of newly heightened tensions between North and South Korea, local imbecile Aaron Weiss, 29, concluded today that the escalating international conflict was highly reminiscent of the rivalry between popular 1990s rap artists Tupac Shakur and Christopher “Notorious B.I.G.” Wallace. “Here we go again; it’s like Bad Boy v. Death Row, Round Two,” said the stupendous dipshit, somehow managing to liken a highly complex geopolitical crisis to a decades-old hip-hop feud between two recording artists. “North Korea is Biggie and South Korea is Tupac. East Coast against West Coast. Simple as that. Let’s just hope it doesn’t end as tragically.” Sources confirmed Weiss is one of the biggest fucking idiots on the planet.

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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