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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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'It's Raining Men!'

248 Hot Marine Studs Fall from Sky in Midair Collision, Thrilling Area Women

ANNAPOLIS, MD— The women of the Acme-Temps office pool in West Annapolis were surprised and thrilled yesterday when hundreds of handsome, well-muscled young men poured from the heavens as the result of a horrendous midair collision between two Army aircraft. The C-130 transport planes were each traveling at over 700 miles per hour when their flight paths intersected catastrophically, deluging the ecstatic AcmeTemps typists with an abundance of rug-ged male flesh.

“Hallelujah!” said Acme employee Judy Steered, 45, as she made her way through the emergency cordons. “This is the kind of thing you just dream about, sitting behind that Selectric all day.”

Steered had narrowly escaped death only mo-ments earlier when the lithe, strong body of Sgt. James Elkins crashed through the fluorescent lighting, coming to rest across her desk. Her experience was by no means unique: More than half of AcmeTemps’ female staff benefited in a similar fashion.

Typing and filing stopped as the playful rioting began, and typists and temp workers raced to be the first with their own soldier. The sudden paperwork stoppage may mean that many local firms will be weeks behind in terms of filing and documentation. And because of the ladies’ reluctance to return what may be for some their first male body, the exact death toll might never be known.

“I can’t believe this really happened to me,” gushed one pant-suited clerk as she tenderly cradled the corpse of Corporal Gerald Black, a man considered handsome before his 10,000-foot plummet through the atmosphere and explosive entry into the office building. “Things like this make me believe in fate.”

An Army spokesperson confirmed the incident as the worst air disaster in U.S. military history.

United States Armed Forces emergency management teams were on the scene almost instantly and, despite the shortage of body bags and blood plasma, were able to confirm that the secretaries’ wildest dreams had come true.

“Most American troops are polite, well-trained young men in excellent physical condition, and unmarried to boot,” EMT sergeant June Peirsen said while conducting hasty on-site triage. “Quite frankly, I’m envious.”

Women who weren’t lucky enough to receive an entire serviceman still found enough to hold their interest.

“Look at this beautiful buff ass,” manager Lori Deveraux gushed, displaying the severed hindquarters of staff sergeant Caleb Smith. “There’s a pile of these in the lobby four feet high—and another pile by the restrooms if you favor big, hairy chests.”

“Look at the size of this bicep!” shrieked dental technician Nikki Britton, flexing a severed right arm believed to have been torn from PFC Chris Odell. “It’s even tattooed, with a dagger going through a little heart, and I’m going to have my name added right here.”

The Army stated that it could be weeks before all the carcasses are reassembled, identified, and given a proper burial.

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