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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
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'It's Raining Men!'

248 Hot Marine Studs Fall from Sky in Midair Collision, Thrilling Area Women

ANNAPOLIS, MD— The women of the Acme-Temps office pool in West Annapolis were surprised and thrilled yesterday when hundreds of handsome, well-muscled young men poured from the heavens as the result of a horrendous midair collision between two Army aircraft. The C-130 transport planes were each traveling at over 700 miles per hour when their flight paths intersected catastrophically, deluging the ecstatic AcmeTemps typists with an abundance of rug-ged male flesh.

“Hallelujah!” said Acme employee Judy Steered, 45, as she made her way through the emergency cordons. “This is the kind of thing you just dream about, sitting behind that Selectric all day.”

Steered had narrowly escaped death only mo-ments earlier when the lithe, strong body of Sgt. James Elkins crashed through the fluorescent lighting, coming to rest across her desk. Her experience was by no means unique: More than half of AcmeTemps’ female staff benefited in a similar fashion.

Typing and filing stopped as the playful rioting began, and typists and temp workers raced to be the first with their own soldier. The sudden paperwork stoppage may mean that many local firms will be weeks behind in terms of filing and documentation. And because of the ladies’ reluctance to return what may be for some their first male body, the exact death toll might never be known.

“I can’t believe this really happened to me,” gushed one pant-suited clerk as she tenderly cradled the corpse of Corporal Gerald Black, a man considered handsome before his 10,000-foot plummet through the atmosphere and explosive entry into the office building. “Things like this make me believe in fate.”

An Army spokesperson confirmed the incident as the worst air disaster in U.S. military history.

United States Armed Forces emergency management teams were on the scene almost instantly and, despite the shortage of body bags and blood plasma, were able to confirm that the secretaries’ wildest dreams had come true.

“Most American troops are polite, well-trained young men in excellent physical condition, and unmarried to boot,” EMT sergeant June Peirsen said while conducting hasty on-site triage. “Quite frankly, I’m envious.”

Women who weren’t lucky enough to receive an entire serviceman still found enough to hold their interest.

“Look at this beautiful buff ass,” manager Lori Deveraux gushed, displaying the severed hindquarters of staff sergeant Caleb Smith. “There’s a pile of these in the lobby four feet high—and another pile by the restrooms if you favor big, hairy chests.”

“Look at the size of this bicep!” shrieked dental technician Nikki Britton, flexing a severed right arm believed to have been torn from PFC Chris Odell. “It’s even tattooed, with a dagger going through a little heart, and I’m going to have my name added right here.”

The Army stated that it could be weeks before all the carcasses are reassembled, identified, and given a proper burial.

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