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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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'It's Raining Men!'

248 Hot Marine Studs Fall from Sky in Midair Collision, Thrilling Area Women

ANNAPOLIS, MD— The women of the Acme-Temps office pool in West Annapolis were surprised and thrilled yesterday when hundreds of handsome, well-muscled young men poured from the heavens as the result of a horrendous midair collision between two Army aircraft. The C-130 transport planes were each traveling at over 700 miles per hour when their flight paths intersected catastrophically, deluging the ecstatic AcmeTemps typists with an abundance of rug-ged male flesh.

“Hallelujah!” said Acme employee Judy Steered, 45, as she made her way through the emergency cordons. “This is the kind of thing you just dream about, sitting behind that Selectric all day.”

Steered had narrowly escaped death only mo-ments earlier when the lithe, strong body of Sgt. James Elkins crashed through the fluorescent lighting, coming to rest across her desk. Her experience was by no means unique: More than half of AcmeTemps’ female staff benefited in a similar fashion.

Typing and filing stopped as the playful rioting began, and typists and temp workers raced to be the first with their own soldier. The sudden paperwork stoppage may mean that many local firms will be weeks behind in terms of filing and documentation. And because of the ladies’ reluctance to return what may be for some their first male body, the exact death toll might never be known.

“I can’t believe this really happened to me,” gushed one pant-suited clerk as she tenderly cradled the corpse of Corporal Gerald Black, a man considered handsome before his 10,000-foot plummet through the atmosphere and explosive entry into the office building. “Things like this make me believe in fate.”

An Army spokesperson confirmed the incident as the worst air disaster in U.S. military history.

United States Armed Forces emergency management teams were on the scene almost instantly and, despite the shortage of body bags and blood plasma, were able to confirm that the secretaries’ wildest dreams had come true.

“Most American troops are polite, well-trained young men in excellent physical condition, and unmarried to boot,” EMT sergeant June Peirsen said while conducting hasty on-site triage. “Quite frankly, I’m envious.”

Women who weren’t lucky enough to receive an entire serviceman still found enough to hold their interest.

“Look at this beautiful buff ass,” manager Lori Deveraux gushed, displaying the severed hindquarters of staff sergeant Caleb Smith. “There’s a pile of these in the lobby four feet high—and another pile by the restrooms if you favor big, hairy chests.”

“Look at the size of this bicep!” shrieked dental technician Nikki Britton, flexing a severed right arm believed to have been torn from PFC Chris Odell. “It’s even tattooed, with a dagger going through a little heart, and I’m going to have my name added right here.”

The Army stated that it could be weeks before all the carcasses are reassembled, identified, and given a proper burial.

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