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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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'It's Raining Men!'

248 Hot Marine Studs Fall from Sky in Midair Collision, Thrilling Area Women

ANNAPOLIS, MD— The women of the Acme-Temps office pool in West Annapolis were surprised and thrilled yesterday when hundreds of handsome, well-muscled young men poured from the heavens as the result of a horrendous midair collision between two Army aircraft. The C-130 transport planes were each traveling at over 700 miles per hour when their flight paths intersected catastrophically, deluging the ecstatic AcmeTemps typists with an abundance of rug-ged male flesh.

“Hallelujah!” said Acme employee Judy Steered, 45, as she made her way through the emergency cordons. “This is the kind of thing you just dream about, sitting behind that Selectric all day.”

Steered had narrowly escaped death only mo-ments earlier when the lithe, strong body of Sgt. James Elkins crashed through the fluorescent lighting, coming to rest across her desk. Her experience was by no means unique: More than half of AcmeTemps’ female staff benefited in a similar fashion.

Typing and filing stopped as the playful rioting began, and typists and temp workers raced to be the first with their own soldier. The sudden paperwork stoppage may mean that many local firms will be weeks behind in terms of filing and documentation. And because of the ladies’ reluctance to return what may be for some their first male body, the exact death toll might never be known.

“I can’t believe this really happened to me,” gushed one pant-suited clerk as she tenderly cradled the corpse of Corporal Gerald Black, a man considered handsome before his 10,000-foot plummet through the atmosphere and explosive entry into the office building. “Things like this make me believe in fate.”

An Army spokesperson confirmed the incident as the worst air disaster in U.S. military history.

United States Armed Forces emergency management teams were on the scene almost instantly and, despite the shortage of body bags and blood plasma, were able to confirm that the secretaries’ wildest dreams had come true.

“Most American troops are polite, well-trained young men in excellent physical condition, and unmarried to boot,” EMT sergeant June Peirsen said while conducting hasty on-site triage. “Quite frankly, I’m envious.”

Women who weren’t lucky enough to receive an entire serviceman still found enough to hold their interest.

“Look at this beautiful buff ass,” manager Lori Deveraux gushed, displaying the severed hindquarters of staff sergeant Caleb Smith. “There’s a pile of these in the lobby four feet high—and another pile by the restrooms if you favor big, hairy chests.”

“Look at the size of this bicep!” shrieked dental technician Nikki Britton, flexing a severed right arm believed to have been torn from PFC Chris Odell. “It’s even tattooed, with a dagger going through a little heart, and I’m going to have my name added right here.”

The Army stated that it could be weeks before all the carcasses are reassembled, identified, and given a proper burial.

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