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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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'It's Raining Men!'

248 Hot Marine Studs Fall from Sky in Midair Collision, Thrilling Area Women

ANNAPOLIS, MD— The women of the Acme-Temps office pool in West Annapolis were surprised and thrilled yesterday when hundreds of handsome, well-muscled young men poured from the heavens as the result of a horrendous midair collision between two Army aircraft. The C-130 transport planes were each traveling at over 700 miles per hour when their flight paths intersected catastrophically, deluging the ecstatic AcmeTemps typists with an abundance of rug-ged male flesh.

“Hallelujah!” said Acme employee Judy Steered, 45, as she made her way through the emergency cordons. “This is the kind of thing you just dream about, sitting behind that Selectric all day.”

Steered had narrowly escaped death only mo-ments earlier when the lithe, strong body of Sgt. James Elkins crashed through the fluorescent lighting, coming to rest across her desk. Her experience was by no means unique: More than half of AcmeTemps’ female staff benefited in a similar fashion.

Typing and filing stopped as the playful rioting began, and typists and temp workers raced to be the first with their own soldier. The sudden paperwork stoppage may mean that many local firms will be weeks behind in terms of filing and documentation. And because of the ladies’ reluctance to return what may be for some their first male body, the exact death toll might never be known.

“I can’t believe this really happened to me,” gushed one pant-suited clerk as she tenderly cradled the corpse of Corporal Gerald Black, a man considered handsome before his 10,000-foot plummet through the atmosphere and explosive entry into the office building. “Things like this make me believe in fate.”

An Army spokesperson confirmed the incident as the worst air disaster in U.S. military history.

United States Armed Forces emergency management teams were on the scene almost instantly and, despite the shortage of body bags and blood plasma, were able to confirm that the secretaries’ wildest dreams had come true.

“Most American troops are polite, well-trained young men in excellent physical condition, and unmarried to boot,” EMT sergeant June Peirsen said while conducting hasty on-site triage. “Quite frankly, I’m envious.”

Women who weren’t lucky enough to receive an entire serviceman still found enough to hold their interest.

“Look at this beautiful buff ass,” manager Lori Deveraux gushed, displaying the severed hindquarters of staff sergeant Caleb Smith. “There’s a pile of these in the lobby four feet high—and another pile by the restrooms if you favor big, hairy chests.”

“Look at the size of this bicep!” shrieked dental technician Nikki Britton, flexing a severed right arm believed to have been torn from PFC Chris Odell. “It’s even tattooed, with a dagger going through a little heart, and I’m going to have my name added right here.”

The Army stated that it could be weeks before all the carcasses are reassembled, identified, and given a proper burial.

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