‘It’s Real Easy,’ Declares IT Guy About To Speak Incoherently For Next 30 Seconds

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Content From 2014-06-25

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 24, 2014

Aries Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign. Taurus Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic...

Pope Excommunicates Italian Mobsters

During a trip to the Calabria region of Italy, the power base of a global drug trafficking syndicate, Pope Francis announced that all Mafia members are automatically excommunicated from the Catholic Church.

Study: Kids With Less Structured Schedules More Successful

According to new research, young children who are afforded more flexibility in their schedules to engage in open-ended, less supervised activities like reading and drawing develop better executive functioning skills than those with structured activities l...

New York Outlaws Pet Tattoos, Piercings

New York lawmakers have passed a bill forbidding pet owners from giving their pets tattoos, piercings, and other body modifications under the argument that it constitutes animal cruelty.
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‘It’s Real Easy,’ Declares IT Guy About To Speak Incoherently For Next 30 Seconds

NASHUA, NH—Assuring a fellow employee at Pierce Advertising that restoring functionality to her work laptop would be “real easy,” the company’s IT technician Gary Wilson proceeded to speak in a virtually incomprehensible blather for the next half minute, sources reported Monday. “It looks like an Ntdll.dll error, so it’s pretty simple: Just select Environment Variables in the Advanced tab of Systems Properties, then rename the NLSPATH system variable to ‘NLSPATHOLD,’” said Wilson while standing over the shoulder of his seated coworker Alison Crawford, whose hopeless confusion and anxiety were only exacerbated by the IT specialist’s unintelligible instructions and repeated references to “the cloud.” “Or you could deactivate your Data Execution Prevention by locating Explorer.exe in your DEP tab’s C:\Windows directory, or disable your UAC through the Control Panel’s User Account Control settings. But then you’ll want to be cautious about which apps you use, got it? Otherwise you’re asking for trouble.” With Crawford still completely at a loss as to where to move her cursor following the directions, Wilson sighed and told her to get up so he could take care of the problem himself before beginning a 30-second string of annoyed and inaudible grumbles under his breath.

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