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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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‘It’s Real Easy,’ Declares IT Guy About To Speak Incoherently For Next 30 Seconds

NASHUA, NH—Assuring a fellow employee at Pierce Advertising that restoring functionality to her work laptop would be “real easy,” the company’s IT technician Gary Wilson proceeded to speak in a virtually incomprehensible blather for the next half minute, sources reported Monday. “It looks like an Ntdll.dll error, so it’s pretty simple: Just select Environment Variables in the Advanced tab of Systems Properties, then rename the NLSPATH system variable to ‘NLSPATHOLD,’” said Wilson while standing over the shoulder of his seated coworker Alison Crawford, whose hopeless confusion and anxiety were only exacerbated by the IT specialist’s unintelligible instructions and repeated references to “the cloud.” “Or you could deactivate your Data Execution Prevention by locating Explorer.exe in your DEP tab’s C:\Windows directory, or disable your UAC through the Control Panel’s User Account Control settings. But then you’ll want to be cautious about which apps you use, got it? Otherwise you’re asking for trouble.” With Crawford still completely at a loss as to where to move her cursor following the directions, Wilson sighed and told her to get up so he could take care of the problem himself before beginning a 30-second string of annoyed and inaudible grumbles under his breath.

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