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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Ivana Trump Calls Ex-Husband To Ask Him What He Did To Her Beautiful Baby Boy

NEW YORK—Left aghast and upset after seeing her beloved firstborn son all over the evening news, a distraught Ivana Trump reportedly called her ex-husband at the White House Tuesday night to ask him what he did to her beautiful baby boy. “My sweet, sweet perfect boy. He was always such a precious angel, and now look—look what you’ve done to him!” the president’s first wife said in audible anguish, adding that all her “Little Donny” had ever wanted was to build houses and hunt with his brother, not get dragged into her ex-husband’s “sick, twisted world.” “Look at that sweetie-pie face sent straight from heaven—now it’s on every newspaper and every cable channel. Oh, my darling son! He was too pure, too delicate for this life. You’ve ruined him! Why? Oh, God, why?” At press time, the teary-eyed businesswoman and former model reportedly made President Trump promise he’d never do anything to risk the unsullied innocence of her “dearest beautiful pumpkin” Eric, contending that the boy was much too slow and dull to ever understand the circumstances he’d find himself in.

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